Superheroes exist so prevalently in our culture because of the escape they provide. They give us an outlet where we can imagine being heroic or indestructible even when we feel fragile and vulnerable. So where do Earth’s mightiest heroes turn when they need an escape?
The following is a list of Superheroes I would not like to get drunk with…
Let’s start out agreeing on some basic assumptions: in your body, alcohol metabolizes into ethanol and is absorbed through your blood stream. The ethanol causes glutamate levels in your brain to fall, causing the awesome feeling that you get when you drink. Since this neurotransmitter is part of a bodies natural homeostasis, any hero’s with regenerative abilities (Wolverine, Hulk, etc) would not feel the effect of alcohol. So we will continue.
5) Professor X – Alcohol is a bit of a truth serum already, but it also tends to unshackle the unsettling thoughts that were buried deep in your brain like, “I should pee on that” or “Mitt Romney would probably not have been that bad of a President.” The challenge with alcohol is trying to keep your mouth shut when you know you shouldn’t say anything. The challenge of drinking with Professor X is that he’ll be able to hear EVERYTHING.
“So, you want to start pickling your own vegetables, huh?”
4) Dr. Manhattan – This would be no fun whatsoever. If you want to have a good time with Dr. Manhattan you should probably drop beer and head straight to the hallucinogens. Dr. Manhattan might be able to show you that time is an infinite loop and where we are right now is the only place we could ever possibly be. However, when it comes time to throw darts at a dart board or play some Tom Petty on the jukebox, omniscient-nelly would be so boring! I don’t care if human consciousness is a closed system and that humans are figments of each other’s imagination, I wanna go cow tippin’!
“Cows are actually divine manifestation of the atom. Its fragmentation is the specter of…are you listening?”
3) Gambit – You know that one friend who you always keep at arm’s distance because you don’t really trust them? That’s Gambit. He’s a former pick-pocket and con-artist, using his mutant power of hypnotic entrancement to lure marks into his traps. You know what this means? Don’t bring your girlfriend around. Plus he sounds like a French pastry chef.
“Who wants Quiche?”
2) Banshee – Banshee’s main ability is to emit a piercing supersonic tone from his vocal chords, so when he tells you, “I LOVE YOU MAN!” at the end of the night, be prepared to purchase a new cochlear implant. I, for one, hate loud drunks. Banshee is also Irish. If stereotyping has taught me anything, it’s that Irish people like to have a drink every now and then. Cut to 1:15 AM and Banshee trying to sing along with “I Would Walk 500 Miles” by the Proclaimers and every window within a 60 mile radius of Dublin shattering during the “La-Da-Da” part.
“YOU’RE MY BEST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
1) Batman – Batman is known for keeping his emotions at bay at all time. He is eternally logical, calculating and career-oriented. You probably know someone like that in you life and you know from experience that they are super-judgy when people are drinking. “Do you really need another?” Batman would ask. On the off-chance that he were to let his guard down, get ready. There are some tears coming after that shot of Jameson. He’s held in every emotion he’s ever had for decades. Something’s gotta give. If you get drunk with Batman, be prepared to handle the following topics: Jason Todd dying was not his fault, Talia al-Ghul does like him (yes, like-like him), and Bane is a total prick and he could definitely take him in a fair fight.
“Alfred yelled at me yesterday…”