Month: October 2014

America’s Race Problem Solved in Comments Section of Huffington Post

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

(New York, NY) – After hundreds of years of conflict, violence, misinterpretation, and confusion, the United States’ ongoing race issue has been solved within the comments section of a Huffington Post article titled “13 of the Creepiest Haunted Bars and Restaurants in America.”  Despite having nothing to do with the article at hand, the conversation in the comments section predictably evolved into an all out race war.  However, when the smoke cleared, users had obtained a level of clarity regarding the murky subject.  Citing purely factual evidence that took into account multiple points of view, several commenters enlightened the rest of the board as to the past history of race relations and how it factors into the interpersonal dynamics of today.  The commenters then formulated a holistic solution to treating all as equals yet maintaining and honoring specific cultural identities.

“Well, I guess that’s it for me,” said Jesse Jackson, noted Human-Rights activist.  Other people at the forefront of the debate have announced their retirement as they now have nothing to do including: Rush Limbaugh, Al Sharpton, Bill O’Reilly and your uncle who lives in Virginia.

Top 5 Superheroes to Get Drunk With

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Last week, I posted about the Top 5 Superheroes I wouldn’t want to get drunk with.  But I long for companionship, so I decided to think about the characters I would like to get drunk with.  Keep in mind, I’m 30.  I don’t go to clubs or raves.  I like bars.  So Booster Gold, Jubilee or any other superhero who looks like they have Skrillex on their i-Pod is out.

 

5) Thing – Ben Grimm was a former astronaut who was turned into a monster during a space flight.  So right there, that gives him a leg up.  People would kill to have a beer with Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin and neither one of those guys can lift a jeep over their head.  Ben Grimm might get a little touchy if you ask him about Wolverine slashing his face or the fact that most people find him aesthetically repugnant.  But keep the conversation to football and stogies and you’re in for a good time.

“The Jets really never gave Sanchez a fair chance.”

 

4) Alfred Pennyworth – I understand he’s not a hero per se, but I think getting this stuffy butler a much needed break from the brooding, moody Batman would be incredible.  No one ever asks Alfred about himself.  I want to know his back story.  Any siblings?  What did his parents do?  What does he do the rest of the day at Wayne Manor?  I’d hope to earn his trust and convince him to let me down to the Batcave, so I could take selfies next to the giant penny.

“Do you (hiccup)…do you want to see where he keeps his dirty movies?”

 

3) Meteor Man – Really, Meteor Man is kind of boring.  As Jefferson Reed, he’s a mild-mannered school teacher with a strong sense of righteousness.  When he touches a meteor he gains all sorts of very generic powers: flight, strength, laser vision, etc.  The reason he makes this list is pure nostalgia.  Outside of Three Ninjas, I don’t think there’s a VHS tape I watched more during my grade school years than Meteor Man.  So picture me at a table with Meteor Man, Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum slamming Miller Lites.

“Jeff, it’s time to take me back to Blockbuster now.”

 

2) Scarlett Witch –  You know how funny it is to draw on your passed out friends?  Well imagine getting Scarlett Witch to change the entire fabric of reality around them.  Instead of sketching a Sharpie mustache on your blacked-out buddy, why not just make him think he has a real mustache?  In fact, why not just make him think that he’s a lumberjack in the barren tundra of the Northwest territory?  When your friend wakes up and stumbles through the constructed vapor-scape of his own perceptions it will be hilarious.

“Get a glass of warm water…”

 

1) Fone Bone – Fone Bone is a lesser known hero, but damn it he seems like a good guy…or, uh…bone thing.  His cousins are cigar-smoking carney types, so that can probably lead to some good stories.  Plus, if you are looking to pick up chicks, this guy is like a dachshund puppy on steroids.  Look at that mug!  Delightful!

“I’ll distract her friends!”

Top 5 Worst Supeheroes To Get Drunk With

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Superheroes exist so prevalently in our culture because of the escape they provide.  They give us an outlet where we can imagine being heroic or indestructible even when we feel fragile and vulnerable.  So where do Earth’s mightiest heroes turn when they need an escape?

Probably booze.

The following is a list of Superheroes I would not like to get drunk with…

Let’s start out agreeing on some basic assumptions: in your body, alcohol metabolizes into ethanol and is absorbed through your blood stream.  The ethanol causes glutamate levels in your brain to fall, causing the awesome feeling that you get when you drink.  Since this neurotransmitter is part of a bodies natural homeostasis, any hero’s with regenerative abilities (Wolverine, Hulk, etc) would not feel the effect of alcohol.  So we will continue.

5) Professor X – Alcohol is a bit of a truth serum already, but it also tends to unshackle the unsettling thoughts that were buried deep in your brain like, “I should pee on that” or “Mitt Romney would probably not have been that bad of a President.”  The challenge with alcohol is trying to keep your mouth shut when you know you shouldn’t say anything.  The challenge of drinking with Professor X is that he’ll be able to hear EVERYTHING.

“So, you want to start pickling your own vegetables, huh?”

4) Dr. Manhattan – This would be no fun whatsoever.  If you want to have a good time with Dr. Manhattan you should probably drop beer and head straight to the hallucinogens.  Dr. Manhattan might be able to show you that time is an infinite loop and where we are right now is the only place we could ever possibly be.  However, when it comes time to throw darts at a dart board or play some Tom Petty on the jukebox, omniscient-nelly would be so boring!  I don’t care if human consciousness is a closed system and that humans are figments of each other’s imagination, I wanna go cow tippin’!

“Cows are actually divine manifestation of the atom. Its fragmentation is the specter of…are you listening?”

3)  Gambit – You know that one friend who you always keep at arm’s distance because you don’t really trust them?  That’s Gambit.  He’s a former pick-pocket and con-artist, using his mutant power of hypnotic entrancement to lure marks into his traps.  You know what this means?  Don’t bring your girlfriend around.  Plus he sounds like a French pastry chef.

“Who wants Quiche?”

2) Banshee –  Banshee’s main ability is to emit a piercing supersonic tone from his vocal chords, so when he tells you, “I LOVE YOU MAN!” at the end of the night, be prepared to purchase a new cochlear implant.  I, for one, hate loud drunks. Banshee is also Irish.  If stereotyping has taught me anything, it’s that Irish people like to have a drink every now and then.  Cut to 1:15 AM and Banshee trying to sing along with “I Would Walk 500 Miles” by the Proclaimers and every window within a 60 mile radius of Dublin shattering during the “La-Da-Da” part.

“YOU’RE MY BEST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

1) Batman – Batman is known for keeping his emotions at bay at all time.  He is eternally logical, calculating and career-oriented.  You probably know someone like that in you life and you know from experience that they are super-judgy when people are drinking.  “Do you really need another?” Batman would ask.  On the off-chance that he were to let his guard down, get ready.  There are some tears coming after that shot of Jameson.  He’s held in every emotion he’s ever had for decades.  Something’s gotta give.  If you get drunk with Batman, be prepared to handle the following topics: Jason Todd dying was not his fault, Talia al-Ghul does like him (yes, like-like him), and Bane is a total prick and he could definitely take him in a fair fight.

“Alfred yelled at me yesterday…”

 

Wolf Blitzer Quietly Sets Guinness World Record; Has Been on TV for 114,668 Hours Straight

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Washington D.C. – The Guinness Book of World Records announced today the CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer has set the record for being on television for the most consecutive hours in a single attempt.  Blitzer began his herculean effort during the 9/11 coverage over 13  years ago.  Since that time, he has been the consecutive and constant focal point of a CNN camera for three presidential elections, 2 invasions of Iraq, one withdraw from Iraq, the Octomom, the Beijing Olympics, Alec Baldwin’s voicemail to his daughter, the Costa Concordia tipping over off the coast of Italy, and that overly-tan mom from Jersey that everyone flipped out over.

“I typically will sleep in between commercial breaks and when Candy Crowley is doing one of her ‘investigative pieces’,” said Blitzer.

The 66 year old news anchor sustains himself with an IV drip filled with a mixture of umbilical cord blood and Gatorade, a concoction he affectionately calls the “Wolf Spritzer.”

TV personality Carson Daly is the likely next contender to break the record.

Area Man Unsure of Which Glass is His

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

 

While at Mulligan’s Tap Room on Saturday night, area man Tad Swanson was dismayed to discover that he could no longer identify his glass.  “Damn it,” said Swanson as he held both glasses of beer up to the light.  “Does this look like a Sam Adams?”  The local man was accompanied to the bar by his friend Dean, whose Killian’s Irish Red was placed next to his Boston Lager while they were playing darts.  Dean is reportedly in good health and is “not sick or anything.”

Sources say that Swanson is currently sniffing the rim of the glass, mistakenly believing he can detect his own scent.