Tikrit – As Iraq slowly descends back into blood-soaked anarchy, the Al Qaeda-inspired rebel group, ISIS, has gained some traction with locals by promising a “Masgouf in every pot and a rusted, 1996 Isuzu Rodeo in every garage.” The slogan has resonated with the residents of the war-torn country, promising brighter days ahead.
“Even though the rebels march toward the Baghdad leaving a trail of decapitated heads and orphaned children,” explained Sabeen al-Hassan. “A fresh Masgouf sounds wonderful.”
Masgouf is a specially prepared type of carp and is considered Iraq’s national dish. It is typically served on special occasions in Iraq, such as weddings, Ramadan, or the toppling of the most recent despotic dictatorship.
“We treat the fish like our heathen enemies,” explained Mohamed Abas, a religious zealot and professional castrator for the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) group. “We slice them open butterfly-style, sprinkle them with salt, skewer them and placed them in an open fire.”
The people of Iraq are cautiously optimistic about this new evil sweeping over their fragmented landscape. “The ISIS rebels are the frightening ghosts of our collective nightmares,” said al-Hassan. “But they said if they gain control of the country they’ll put in a Coke machine.”