Wow! What a series! If you’re anything like me, you were just glued to your seat as my fellow Penguins staved off a comeback from the scrappy Columbus Blue Jackets. I’d like to thank my teammates for their great performance, especially Evgeni Malkin who scored the first three goals. The Blue Jackets stormed back with three of their own, but we’re past that and I’m excited to get going on the next leg of our series.
And you know what? You all are so welcome!
The score of the game was 4-3. Hmm. That’s interesting. I wonder who scored the fourth goal? The game-winning goal, if you will. Let’s see…Let’s see. Oh that’s right it was me! Brandon Sutter! You yinzer pieces of garbage might know me better as “A Poor Man’s Jordan Staal” or “No One’s Going to Trade Him for Ryan Kessler Straight Up.” At least that’s what I thought my name was since I’ve been here. I’ve withstood 30 weeks of brilliant comments like, “He should shoot the puck more” and “He just needs to put some more weight on. Dude can’t hit” from every bung cork this side of Belle Vernon.
And you know what you can all do now? You can all suck it.
Cause once I’m done with this season (and I’ll probably win the Playoff MVP at this rate), I’m soooo out of here. I’m a free agent. You ran Tyler Kennedy out of town in a pretty similar fashion and you know what he’s doing right now? He lives in freaking San Jose. You know what he does after practice? Goes to the beach. Pretty much all the time. So you’ll forgive me if I’m not beating down Mario’s door asking for a contract extension from a team with the snarkiest, negative fan base only second to Toronto. You say I have to re-sign with this team?
You know what I say? No, I don’t.
– Brandon “Three More Goals Than Crosby” Sutter
Coming soon: “Everyone In Pittsburgh Can Jump Off a Bridge For All I Care” by Brian Gibbons