Pittsburgh, PA – On the heels of UPMC’s announcement that it does not have any employees whatsoever, lawyers for the healthcare giant argued today that the company does not exist at all and in fact is a lucid hallucination of the people of Pittsburgh.
“If reality is simply a construct imagined by humans to place feelings and experiences into categorical order, then it stands to reason that UPMC is simply one of those imagined constructs,” said William Pietragallo, counsel for UPMC. “And there is nothing in the tax code of the City of Pittsburgh which requires ephemeral entities or illusory phantasms to be subjected to payroll taxes.”
Lawyers for the opposition were baffled as Mr. Pietragallo proceeded to blow their minds. “I mean, think about it. I had a dream last night where I was getting chased through an old zoo by something. I think it was like a big ball. In that moment, it felt real. But I woke up today and it was gone,” he explained. “So what is real then? What if everything I’m saying right now is just something that I’m dreaming? Or what if this is all something you are dreaming?”
“Whoa,” muttered Ronald Barber, attorney for the city.
“What if?” Mr. Pietragallo continued. “What if our absolutely massive, profitable company is just being imagined by a little boy in another Universe or something? And when the kid gets done playing and imagining things, we all just disappear? Or what if we’re all in a big marble being thrown by a giant alien like at the end of Men in Black? Surely, you can’t forcibly tax UPMC’s ten billion dollar annual revenue if we’re all just rolling around in a cosmic marble!”
Judge R. Stanton Wettick adjourned the court for the day, stating that before proceeding with counter arguments, it would have to be decided if “all this is even going on at all right now.” He then stared at his extended fingers for a prolonged amount of time.