Zürich, Switzerland – In a press conference earlier this afternoon, Sepp Blatter, President of the Federation International de Football Association, announced a sweeping set of rule changes in order to make the game more exciting and accessible to American audiences. Players will now be allowed to run with the ball, pass the ball in the air, and tackle players to the ground.
“We feel that in its current state Soccer is simply not connecting with the American consumer. We’ve tried numerous attempts at outreach, but with little success,” said Blatt. “With this fundamental shift in the way the game is played, we can finally make Soccer a moderately interesting spectator sport.”
Blatt proceeded to outline other exciting rule changes to Soccer:
– Goals will now be six points
– Round balls will be replaced with misshapen, oblong ones.
– Teams will have four attempts to move the play forward 10 meters (still Metric) down the field
– Kicking the ball will only be allowed in certain situations
– Officials will be much, much more lenient on player steroid usage
The rule changes were met with stiff opposition. “They don’t need to change the rules. Americans are just too stupid to notice the intricacies and excitement of this historic game,” said the one guy you know from work who acts like soccer is the biggest god damn deal on the planet.
There are also plans to re-name the FIFA World Cup. “I came up with the idea for a new name while at a Seafood restaurant,” explained Blatt. “I noticed that a Bowl of Clam Chowder was much bigger and more satisfying than a Cup. Therefore, the World Cup will be renamed to include the word Bowl. Super World Bowl or something of that nature.”
In addition to these rule changes, players will be instructed to not conduct themselves like whiny little girls whenever someone lays a finger on them. Flopping around like that…disgraceful.