Report: Local Basement Goddamn Freezing!

(Wexford, PA) – It was discovered today that the cellar of local residents Ron and Janine Michalek is ridiculously cold.  Like freezing.

Janine had been suspicious for years regarding their basement’s ability to hold heat, citing that in the past they had normally kept cases of Ginger Ale and Orange Fanta down there to get chilled before their big New Year’s eve party.  Despite these reports, her husband Ron shrugged off the requests for an intervention.  However, last week while trying to find a socket wrench set in his bare feet, Ron confirmed that the basement was indeed “fricking freezing.”

The Michalek’s finished their basement in 2005, installing new drywall and a drop ceiling.  “I’ll tell you what,” said Ron.  “I got half a mind to go down to Lowe’s and find that skinny guy that sold me that insulation and really tear him a new one.  The damn cat won’t even go down there come December.”

The couple have reportedly tried all conventional tactics to battle the temperature.  “We tried everything,” Ron explained to his wife.  “Wearing them slippers I got you, rolling yourself up in that afghan that used to be at your mum’s house, we even got one of them little space heaters from Sears.  It’s like it’s a meat locker with a 35 inch TV in it.”

“When I built this man-cave I didn’t think I need to wear ice-skates.”

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