Baltimore, MD – In a desperate move to remain relevant in a diverse market, Domino’s Pizza has decided to forgo their traditional pizza making process and instead give consumers what they’ve been begging for all along.
“The new simplified menu at Domino’s will essentially be blocks of Mozzarella cheese in 3 different sizes,” said Domino’s spokeswoman Tanya Wright. “We’ve spent countless hours analyzing consumer trends and we’ve found that people just want as much cheese as they can possibly eat without vomiting or developing kidney stones.”
Participating shops will now offer the small Brick of Cheese™, the medium Block of Cheese™, and the large Slab of Cheese™. Customers can also combine orders for their patented Block Party™, a paper bag stuffed with cheese of assorted sizes slathered in pepperoni grease.
“So much of today’s food is overly processed,” commented James Hardwig, a frequent consumer of pizza. “I’m really health conscious so the fact that Domino’s is cutting out all of those unhealthy carbohydrates and meats and sauces and vegetables is really great. They’re just leaving the part that comes from the cow. And cows are organic, which I like because of everything going on with Obamacare.”
Domino’s has long struggled with their brand image, going as far to release commercials recognizing their past failings. However this new, stream-lined approach to production shows that they are not only listening to customer demands, but becoming more efficient in the process.
“We tried putting it in the crust. We tried giving them cheese sauce to dip their pizza,” said Wright. “It had to come to this eventually, don’t you think? This is the cheese singularity.”