Starbucks to Save Millions In Profit by Turning Off That One Faucet

(Seattle, WA)   During an investor call on Tuesday, Starbuck’s Michael Crafton, Senior Vice President of Facilities, announced that the company stands to save millions of dollars in top line expenses by turning off that one faucet which for some reason is running constantly at every Starbucks in the nation.

“We will be piloting a test program in certain districts, whereby employees of the location will be required to twist the faucet knobs to the off, or closed position,” Crafton said during prepared remarks.  “If rolled out nationwide, initial projections indicate that we could see a utility savings of 5400 basis points, which would then translate into a 14% increase in Earnings Per Share.”

When asked by analyst why the practice of turning a faucet on and then inexplicably leaving it on throughout the entire 16 hour day existed in the first place, Crafton responded, “I really have no idea.  I guess because associates need to rinse out a lot of stuff all the time.  There’s a lot of rinsing, right?  Does that sound right?  Maybe they like the ambient sound?  Who knows?”

At the time of publication, Starbuck’s stock had climbed to $75.60.

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