Allentown, PA – The inaugural 5k Race for Cancer Awareness held at Eagle Cliff Trail was deemed a success on Saturday. Participants in the race reported that they finally had become aware of cancer.
“Before the race I had no idea what cancer was,” reported runner Erin Jablonski. “I heard people talk about it every now and then but I figured it was a type of car or a style of shoe or something.”
The Race for Awareness was open to all ages and skill levels, provided that they had no clue whatsoever regarding the disease responsible for 13% of all human deaths each year. The act of running or walking for 3.1 miles helped the crowd of people understand that 1) cancer is a thing and 2) cancer is not a good thing. Local vendors staffed booths where participants could try their hand at spelling the word “cancer” to win cash prizes. As added incentive, each person who crossed the finish line was given a complimentary T-shirt with the dictionary definition of “cancer” to remind them that it is a malignant neoplasm that can cause unregulated cell growth in the body.
Race winner Scott Kendrick clocked in a time of 17 minutes and 30 seconds, which was apparently just enough time to fill his brain with the knowledge necessary to understand why hospitals have entire wings dedicated to the damn thing.
“I’ll probably run it next year too, he said. “Just in case I forget or get confused or don’t watch the news or read any magazines or have a family or any friends or look at billboards or listen to any type of audible human transmission.”
Scott proceeded to smoke a victory cigarette while not wearing sun screen.