A Day in The Life – Anthony Keidis

Anthony Keidis – Born 1962. Age 50. That’s right. 50.

This will be a series of posts illustrating what the author believes real life is like for certain persons of interest. 

Anthony Keidis peered over the tops of his bifocals and gave the newspaper a quick fold.   He leaned forward in the wingback chair and reached for a bottle of Advil sitting on the end table.   He took a sip of cold tea out of a mug with the words “Smithfield Equipment and Controls  – Peoria, IL” emblazoned on the front.  The cup found its way into his cupboard many years ago, probably while he was on tour.  “It has a nice weight to it,” he thought.

The lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers had been thrashing about on stage for over 30 years.  And all the jumping, the thumping and the stumping had taken its toll on his joints.  Anthony had a creaky shoulder, a left knee with no cartilage left, and a nagging stiffness in his back from when he jumped into that pool from the roof many years ago.  And for all the drugs he had done on so many occasions in years past, he found that Advil was really the only one that performed exactly as advertised.   No side-effects.  No addiction.  No lives destroyed or friendships ruined.  Just reduced inflammation. 

He popped the pills in his mouth and took another swig.  One last glance at the newspaper was enough for him to set it down and be done with it.  Print media had become infuriating for him in the past few years.  The liberal left seemed to have a vice-lock on any opinion column.  It seemed like any time he opened the paper, there was another New York elitist touting the accomplishments of Obama.  This country was really going to hell.  $4.00 for gas!  That just didn’t jive with Sir Psycho Sexy. 

Anthony reached for one of three television remotes on the coffee table.  He could never figure this damn thing out.  His insanely attractive, 23-year old model girlfriend had helped him with the initial set up.  She was good with technology and such.  All he wanted to do was watch The Price is Right for a few minutes before heading to the mall to take a walk.  But he could never remember if he had to switch the channel to HDMI 2 or Component 2 or what.  He tossed the remote back onto the table.

He turned in his chair and opened the blinds on a window behind him.  Landscapers had come to the mansion to do some routine maintenance.  He once attempted to go out and speak to them, but there was a significant language barrier and it just became awkward.  He understood that traditions and dialects were meant to be upheld but “C’mon” he thought to himself.  Someone out there should be able to speak English a little bit.  This country…

Area 5k Finally Makes Local Residents Aware of Cancer

Allentown, PA  –  The inaugural 5k Race for Cancer Awareness held at Eagle Cliff Trail was deemed a success on Saturday.  Participants in the race reported that they finally had become aware of cancer.

“Before the race I had no idea what cancer was,” reported runner Erin Jablonski.  “I heard people talk about it every now and then but I figured it was a type of car or a style of shoe or something.”

The Race for Awareness was open to all ages and skill levels, provided that they had no clue whatsoever regarding the disease responsible for 13% of all human deaths each year.  The act of running or walking for 3.1 miles helped the crowd of people understand that 1) cancer is a thing and 2) cancer is not a good thing.  Local vendors staffed booths where participants could try their hand at spelling the word “cancer” to win cash prizes.  As added incentive, each person who crossed the finish line was given a complimentary T-shirt with the dictionary definition of “cancer” to remind them that it is a malignant neoplasm that can cause unregulated cell growth in the body.

Race winner Scott Kendrick clocked in a time of 17 minutes and 30 seconds, which was apparently just enough time to fill his brain with the knowledge necessary to understand why hospitals have entire wings dedicated to the damn thing.

“I’ll probably run it next year too, he said.  “Just in case I forget or get confused or don’t watch the news or read any magazines or have a family or any friends or look at billboards or listen to any type of audible human transmission.”

Scott proceeded to smoke a victory cigarette while not wearing sun screen.