Deer Diary



Deer Diary,

                What a crazy day!  I’m walking along the forest, minding my own antlers, when I hear this crashing sound in the distance.  Right away, I’m thinking to myself, “Ooh!  Two male deer fighting over a doe.  I gotta run in there and join the fracas. Those punks probably don’t have anything on my velvety nubs.  I’m gonna fight.  I’m gonna win cause I gots to get me some!”  I know that comes off kind of chauvinistic but hey, it’s mating season and I’m not trying be a virgin going into my third winter.  It’s pathetic.  Dale and the guys would never let me hear the end of it. 

So I prance all the way over to this big open field and I’m really smelling it now.  This broad has got some supple scent glands if I do say so myself.  She must have sprayed the entire meadow.  There’s just something about the smell of Doe-wizz that just…I don’t know.  I just love it!  Does that make me weird?  

I go into this field and I’m like wandering around trying to find this chick so I can get BIZ-AYYY!  Right?  So all of a sudden, I catch a whiff of something else.  It smells like poly urethane and coffee breath.   Yeah, you know what’s coming: human. 

Before I know it I have a carbon fiber arrow with a fixed blade broad head tip lodged between my shoulder and my neck. Holy crap did it scare me!  I ran for a couple of yards but it was just too much.  Meanwhile, I’m thinking, “Man, where’s that doe?  I gotta get something pregnant before I get turned into jerky.”  But I ended up collapsing behind this big rock.

Well here comes old coffee breath, sauntering up to me like he’s God’s gift.  He grabbed me by the antlers.  Big whoop by the way.  I’m a four-point, tough guy.  Then he took a “selfy” with his I-Phone. 

So I think I was pretty much dead at that point.  This is where it gets really messed up.  He takes this big knife and starts cutting out my rectum!  I know!  It’s like, what the heck is that all about?  Is that really necessary?  You just killed me with an arrow, now my rectum???  Then, get this, he ties my rectum like it’s a shoe lace and proceeds to open my chest cavity up like it’s a freaking Ziplock bag.  He takes the knife, the one that was IN MY RECTUM, and slices my belly open.  All the blood and viscera falls out of there and onto the ground.  And I’m like, “Uh hello?  See those internal organs?  I kinda need those!”  To top it all off, he went back down south and cut out my ahem – “buckhood”.  The whole kit n’ caboodle by the way.  I mean, what does that really accomplish?  You jealous, bro?

It must have been at that point where I actually died because I got transported to this really crazy hot place.  I guess it was like Hell for deer.  I don’t know exactly what a deer does to get sent to Hell.  I suppose I’ve witnessed a lot of “non-consensual” procreation and didn’t do anything about it.  Like Dale, he’d always sneak up behind an unsuspecting doe then bam!  Baby in the Spring.  We always thought it was pretty funny.   Anyway, in Hell there were all these deer who were being tortured and all sorts of crazy stuff.   They were like being chased by giant eagles, there were annoying-ass goats everywhere.  I’m like sitting there thinking, “After the knife in the rectum thing, I think I can handle this.”  

Luckily I didn’t have to stay for too long.  Because I got transported to this wonderful place.  It was like Deer Heaven.  It was all leafy and green.  It reminded me a lot of the meadow where that guy spilled my intestines onto the ground actually.  There was plenty of tasty foliage and lots of procreation opportunities (consensual of course) to be had.  Nobody shoo’d us out of their gardens.  It was great!

Suffice it to say that this day has been pretty wild.  Just wanted to share. 

          A Dead Deer