Chains

I think it’s funny when people say that they’ll boycott Wal-mart.  They think they’re really going to somehow damage a 500 billion dollar company.  I’m sure they’ll be fine.  I’m sure Wal-Mart executives aren’t sitting around a boardroom, “We’ve missed our sales plan by $15.35.  If only Jason would have bought that DVD combo pack of Desperado and Robocop III the company would have been saved.”

Have you ever gone into a Wal-mart at night?  It’s creepy.  It doesn’t even feel like you are on Earth.  You just feel like you are floating in an abandoned space station.  It’s just those sterile neon lights and stockpiles of food barely suitable for human consumption.  There’s never anyone there but you always feel like you’re being watched.  There’s just some other life form peering at you from the shadows in the sporting goods aisle.   After what seems like an eternity you finally stumble into another human but they’ve gone insane and they only speak Russian.  

“Were you here when the moon exploded, Katya?”

Everyone talks smack on chain stores.  They want you to support local business.   But sometimes local businesses can’t address my shopping needs.  Where I live, there are no quaint little mom and pop stores where I can pick up printer cartridges and a bag of frozen chicken wings in one stop.

I think deep down we really love those big chains.   Tell me that there’s not a better feeling, when you’re driving on a highway, it’s dark, you’re hungry, you’re in a strange and terrifying land, like New Castle or something.  You’re alone and frightened.  And then in the distance, parting the bleak clouds you see a giant glowing golden “M” in the sky. 

Hallelujah! I can pee!!!

And you don’t give a flying crap about unfair labor practices or FDA regulations when you’re pulling into that parking lot.  Because there’s a McRib in your future…