“Influencer”

As far as I’m concerned LinkedIn.com is split into two groups.  The larger group consists of normal business people who are maybe a bit unsure on why they should be using the technology, but do so anyway.  The smaller group, the one that seemingly rules the roost, is “Influencers.”  These thought leaders are comprised of a bunch of productivity bloggers, lifehackers, self-proclaimed Leadership Experts, Sales Ninjas, Marketing Gurus, Entrepreneur-lords, Buzzword Buzzards, and overall Mumbo-Jumbo dealers who think that by posting their trite opinions on personal branding they are furthering the intellectual research of the economic landscape.  Below are probable article titles you’ll find in the vapid corporate wasteland that is LinkedIn.com.

 The Difference Between a “Boss” and a “Leader – Read some 23 year-old with no work experience’s opinion on why your supervisor isn’t a good one.  You’ll find there are a lot of striking similarities between a strong Leader and his Mom.  “A good Leader will always call you on your birthday, no matter how mad they are that you didn’t come home for Thanksgiving.”

When Companies Should NOT Innovate – This author decides to swim against the heavy current of “All innovation is good innovation.”  A very bold choice.  Unfortunately, the author leaves out weapon manufacturers out of the conversation.  “Once you’ve developed a bomb that can vaporize human flesh and poison the soil for eons to come, you should definitely stop innovating.”

The Most Important Interview Question of All Time – SPOILER ALERT: “How often do you steal things?”

Why The Mighty Fall – Get ready for some ridiculous metaphor in this one.  Something that is meant to illustrate importance but maybe just comes off in bad taste.  Maybe something comparing the Allied Forces defeating the Nazis to how a culture of “Rewards and Recognition” defeats a sales slump.

Actionable Plans for a Scalable Future – Written by someone who has an MBA through the University of Phoenix online.  Contains no actual content.  It has words arranged in an order with very little standard deviation.  If you don’t know what that term is or why it’s applicable, you should write this article.

Dealing with Millenials- The only credential that this author has is that his nephew thinks he’s cool.  This article will rehash the beat to death topic of dealing with 20 year-olds in the work place.    These advice columns usually help to perpetuate the unbelievable myth that anyone from the age of 25-35 is truly special.  Synopsis: “They don’t stay in one job for a long time.  They like working in a team environment.  They care about the earth so you should recycle, I guess.  Instagram?  They…they like that right?” 

Everything I Learned About Business, I Learned in Kindergarten – In a desperate attempt to make people not try to burn their castles down, some giant bank will hire a PR company to put a bright, childish spin on their world-crippling greed. 

1)      Own Pokemon Cards

2)      Parter with a media/marketing conglomerate to ensure your classmates want your Pokemon cards.

3)      Charge that kid Mason a lot for the Squirtle card he wants.

4)      Enter Mason into a binding contract for 30 years at a rate of 3.75% that may change due to market conditions.

5)      Place Tommy on payroll to lobby the Teacher.  Contribute to Teacher’s re-election campaign.  Teacher won’t notice you fiscally harassing Mason. 

6)      Milk Mason for all he’s worth throughout his formative years.  Milk?  That sounds nice.

7)      Foreclose on Mason’s Squirtle card because the terms of the loan have changed.  Take the card and a lifetime of work along with it.

8)      Take Nap (on money pile).

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