Jodie Foster’s Speech (Rough Draft)

 During last night’s Golden Globe Awards, Jodie Foster received a lifetime achievement award from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.  It was a confusing, meandering, yet somehow mildly entertaining.  It is a bit scary to think that the speech was likely reviewed, edited and rewritten by a phalanx of publicists, agents and copywriters.   And that was about the most salient they could make the original copy. has obtained an original draft of the speech for your enjoyment.   The author’s comments are in italics.


“Well, well, well.   Look who it is?  It’s me, Jodie Foster and I’m up on this stage.  I’m in your spotlight and I’m ready to get biz-aaaay!  What, what?  (I’ll try to high-five/chest bump whoever is presenting the award.  Hopefully it’ll be Don Cheadle or Adele).

Anyhoo, this is a really great award if I’m not mistaken.  I’m not exactly sure of the criteria I met, but suffice it to say I’m honored and thrilled.  I’ve poured my life into being a movie ACTRESS (I’ll yell this part like Jon Lovitz, you know?  ACTING!) and I think that it’s paid off.  I’ve received an award from a shadowy organization filled with strange accents and even stranger haircuts.

I’d like to now come out of the closet. (I’ll wait two seconds for applause, then I’ll roll my eyes)

Psyche!  I got you!  I got you all, suckers!

It just seems like a long time ago when Michael Apted found me in the backwoods of North Carolina… North Carolina, come on and raise up!  Wave your shirt like a helicopter (cue another chest-bump/bap with male presenter).  I didn’t know how to read or speak or even put on shoes.  But he filmed my life and taught me how to read English and throw a Frisbee and love again!  That documentary was called Nell.  And it catapulted my career.  I’ll never forget that, Michael.  You are so beautiful to me! (Singing)

But fame and stardom were difficult devils to deal with.  I obviously wanted everyone to pay attention to me simultaneously and think that I’m great.  I obviously did not want people to think that I was NOT great.  And that is the true curse of being a celebrity.  Sometimes, people don’t like you.  So, my point is that sometimes you should really just leave us celebri-dieties (can I trademark this turn of phrase?) alone unless you have something really complimentary to say, or to give us money.

Speaking of which, I need a new I-phone.  I thought they’d put one in that crappy gift basket they gave us for coming to this event, but it was pretty crappy like I said.  Doritos?  Really, Hollywood Foreign Press Association?  Really?  But what’s up with this i-phone thing anyway?  It says I need to download new software to get the latest apps, but when I try to download the software for the phone on my computer, it says that I need a new computer operating system or something!  It’s like this crazy maze or something.  Someone should make a movie about that!  Looking at you, Dan. (Hopefully Dan Akroyd will be in attendance.)

 (I’ll just riff on Obama using predator drones for a few minutes to fill in the time).

Two words for everyone: Mel Gibson.  Boom!  I just put it out there.  Thank you Mel, for being my shouting partner.  I told him that I’d say his name once up here.  Quick note, if you say Mel Gibson three times in front of a mirror, boy are you asking for trouble!

Oh, I mentioned tweeting before or I think I did.  Here.  (I’ll pull my phone out at this point).  Let me read you some tweets that I wrote and tell me if you think they’re funny. (I’ll act like I’m scrolling through) Nope.  Nope.  That one’s not too good.  Nope.  Does anyone watch the Speed Channel?  Because this one would be funny if you knew something about that.  Oh, here’s one: “What’s up with the 405 today?  Crazy.  SMH.”  SMH means shaking my head, like “I can’t believe this.”

Well, my job is done ladies and gentlemen.  I’ve made Anne Hathaway fake-cry.  She’s so good at being fake-humble and fake sincere.  She really talented.  She should be up here next year.  She’ll be in a man’s suit or something outrageous I’ll bet.

Seacrest out!  (I’d like to drop the mic and walk away.  Can we make sure there is a wireless?)