The Sum Up…

I had a recent interaction that I feel totally summarizes my life and personality:

My wife and I were in Squirrel Hill, walking back to our car after grabbing a cup of tea.  It was about 35 degrees and the wet snow weighed heavily on the awnings and rooftops of the houses that lined the side streets.  As I climbed back into the car and readjusted the mirror, I saw a woman in a house-coat with a scarf obscuring her face attempting to shovel her small driveway.  She was scooping the thick snow with one hand and steadying her cane with another.  It was a sad sight.  I imagined if my grandma were left alone in this weather how much I would want someone to help her.

But instead of jumping out of immediately and acting chivalrous like I should have, I had a 5-minute debate with my wife about the pros and cons of asking the woman if she wanted help.  After realizing that there could literally nothing bad that could happen to me out of the situation, I opened the car door and began walking across the street to assist.

“Ma’am?  Could I give you a hand with that?” I shouted across the street.

No reaction.  Chivalry disrupted.  Try to salvage this.

“Ma’am?” I said again.

Nothing.

So now I was faced with a choice: walk across the street, roll up on this old lady with my aggressive good-will and potentially scare the crap out of her or just get back into the car, considering my effort as good as the actual act.

Then the elderly woman turned around and I saw a baseball hat.  I looked down and I’m pretty sure the elderly woman had on cuffed slacks and men’s boots.  I began to think that the reason this elderly woman hadn’t responded to my gender-specific calls for help, because I was addressing the wrong gender.  Now confusion set in.  If the elderly woman was in fact an elderly man, well then that changed everything.  I guess.  If I were 78 years old, I wouldn’t want the double emasculation of some young buck offering to help my increasingly fragile self and also mistake me for a woman.  Would I?

With my face reddening, I leapt back into the car before anyone would see me.  I turned the key, backed out of the parking spot and began to drive, abandoning my good intentions on the sidewalk.  I looked in my side mirror as the car pulled away, leaving the huddled figure on the bright and slushy street. My eyes narrowed as I struggled to take in the diminishing figure one last time.

Was that a woman’s hairnet he had on?  What the hell?

Good intentions; faulty executions.

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“Influencer”

As far as I’m concerned LinkedIn.com is split into two groups.  The larger group consists of normal business people who are maybe a bit unsure on why they should be using the technology, but do so anyway.  The smaller group, the one that seemingly rules the roost, is “Influencers.”  These thought leaders are comprised of a bunch of productivity bloggers, lifehackers, self-proclaimed Leadership Experts, Sales Ninjas, Marketing Gurus, Entrepreneur-lords, Buzzword Buzzards, and overall Mumbo-Jumbo dealers who think that by posting their trite opinions on personal branding they are furthering the intellectual research of the economic landscape.  Below are probable article titles you’ll find in the vapid corporate wasteland that is LinkedIn.com.

 The Difference Between a “Boss” and a “Leader – Read some 23 year-old with no work experience’s opinion on why your supervisor isn’t a good one.  You’ll find there are a lot of striking similarities between a strong Leader and his Mom.  “A good Leader will always call you on your birthday, no matter how mad they are that you didn’t come home for Thanksgiving.”

When Companies Should NOT Innovate – This author decides to swim against the heavy current of “All innovation is good innovation.”  A very bold choice.  Unfortunately, the author leaves out weapon manufacturers out of the conversation.  “Once you’ve developed a bomb that can vaporize human flesh and poison the soil for eons to come, you should definitely stop innovating.”

The Most Important Interview Question of All Time – SPOILER ALERT: “How often do you steal things?”

Why The Mighty Fall – Get ready for some ridiculous metaphor in this one.  Something that is meant to illustrate importance but maybe just comes off in bad taste.  Maybe something comparing the Allied Forces defeating the Nazis to how a culture of “Rewards and Recognition” defeats a sales slump.

Actionable Plans for a Scalable Future – Written by someone who has an MBA through the University of Phoenix online.  Contains no actual content.  It has words arranged in an order with very little standard deviation.  If you don’t know what that term is or why it’s applicable, you should write this article.

Dealing with Millenials- The only credential that this author has is that his nephew thinks he’s cool.  This article will rehash the beat to death topic of dealing with 20 year-olds in the work place.    These advice columns usually help to perpetuate the unbelievable myth that anyone from the age of 25-35 is truly special.  Synopsis: “They don’t stay in one job for a long time.  They like working in a team environment.  They care about the earth so you should recycle, I guess.  Instagram?  They…they like that right?” 

Everything I Learned About Business, I Learned in Kindergarten – In a desperate attempt to make people not try to burn their castles down, some giant bank will hire a PR company to put a bright, childish spin on their world-crippling greed. 

1)      Own Pokemon Cards

2)      Parter with a media/marketing conglomerate to ensure your classmates want your Pokemon cards.

3)      Charge that kid Mason a lot for the Squirtle card he wants.

4)      Enter Mason into a binding contract for 30 years at a rate of 3.75% that may change due to market conditions.

5)      Place Tommy on payroll to lobby the Teacher.  Contribute to Teacher’s re-election campaign.  Teacher won’t notice you fiscally harassing Mason. 

6)      Milk Mason for all he’s worth throughout his formative years.  Milk?  That sounds nice.

7)      Foreclose on Mason’s Squirtle card because the terms of the loan have changed.  Take the card and a lifetime of work along with it.

8)      Take Nap (on money pile).

The Decision of Lennay

 

 A halo of blinking circuitry greeted Lennay Kekua as she awoke from the Proto-Sky.  Dr. Vaisman unhooked the cables from her spine and removed the infrared sensors from her eyelids.

“There,” he said. “I told you it wouldn’t be that hard.”

Still groggy, Lennay needed a moment to comprehend what had just occurred.  In a few short minutes, she had terminated her entire past.  While logged into the Proto-Sky, she was tasked with eliminating all records, data, visual representations, dreams, visions, and memories of herself.  The deed was done.  There was no record of her existence on Earth.  The way Dr. Vaisman told it, becoming a ghost was for her own good.   And Humanity’s only hope.

“I have a pounding headache,” she mumbled.

“Your brain is merely adjusting to the new reality.  What you’re feeling is a side effect.  It will dissipate shortly.”

Lennay looked around the cave.  The glow of computer monitors cast a dull cloud of light on the dripping walls.  She sat up from the pod and rubbed the top of her eyes.  She was tired, exhausted from pouring through each tiny pocket of her life.  

“What time is it?”  She flicked on the screen her disconnected cell phone.  A picture of Manti came up.  It showed him celebrating right after Notre Dame’s win at Michigan.  She touched the 2-D face of her former lover.  Dr. Vaisman gently removed her phone.

“It’s no use dwelling on it now,” he said.  “You’ve made the ultimate choice.  And although it feels as though you’ve lost someone, realize that you are their salvation.”

Lennay nodded.

“Now that your data has been destroyed entirely, we can proceed under the radar of the robot overlords.  They can only track us through bits of information and slivers of statistics.  We can operate without fear of them mounting some sort of pre-emptive time assassination.”

Lennay knew this was the only choice.  Her powers would be the key to the Resistance.  And each day she grew stronger, more perceptive.  Her prescient mind became more sharply attuned.  She possessed The Crowing, the innate ability to subconsciously produce massive amounts of thermal energy.  This genetic mutation had been identified by the machines in the year 2012, just prior to the Reboot.  She could be used as a limitless power source to them.  But to the human resistance, she represented hope, a chance for freedom. 

She scanned the dark cave.  “There’s something wrong,” she whispered.  “Is there any sort of magnetic resonance that occurs after leaving the Proto-Sky?”

Dr. Vaisman looked concerned.  “Only trace amounts.  Hardly enough to be detected even by the most sensitive instruments.”

Lennay breathed deeply and opened her eyes as the sound of hydraulics echoed through the cave’s entrance.  She grabbed the Scimitar of Mercury from the pedestal.  She gripped the handle and felt the wild vibrations of her blade.

“They’re here.”

Jodie Foster’s Speech (Rough Draft)

 During last night’s Golden Globe Awards, Jodie Foster received a lifetime achievement award from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.  It was a confusing, meandering, yet somehow mildly entertaining.  It is a bit scary to think that the speech was likely reviewed, edited and rewritten by a phalanx of publicists, agents and copywriters.   And that was about the most salient they could make the original copy.  Konkdaddy.com has obtained an original draft of the speech for your enjoyment.   The author’s comments are in italics.

 

“Well, well, well.   Look who it is?  It’s me, Jodie Foster and I’m up on this stage.  I’m in your spotlight and I’m ready to get biz-aaaay!  What, what?  (I’ll try to high-five/chest bump whoever is presenting the award.  Hopefully it’ll be Don Cheadle or Adele).

Anyhoo, this is a really great award if I’m not mistaken.  I’m not exactly sure of the criteria I met, but suffice it to say I’m honored and thrilled.  I’ve poured my life into being a movie ACTRESS (I’ll yell this part like Jon Lovitz, you know?  ACTING!) and I think that it’s paid off.  I’ve received an award from a shadowy organization filled with strange accents and even stranger haircuts.

I’d like to now come out of the closet. (I’ll wait two seconds for applause, then I’ll roll my eyes)

Psyche!  I got you!  I got you all, suckers!

It just seems like a long time ago when Michael Apted found me in the backwoods of North Carolina… North Carolina, come on and raise up!  Wave your shirt like a helicopter (cue another chest-bump/bap with male presenter).  I didn’t know how to read or speak or even put on shoes.  But he filmed my life and taught me how to read English and throw a Frisbee and love again!  That documentary was called Nell.  And it catapulted my career.  I’ll never forget that, Michael.  You are so beautiful to me! (Singing)

But fame and stardom were difficult devils to deal with.  I obviously wanted everyone to pay attention to me simultaneously and think that I’m great.  I obviously did not want people to think that I was NOT great.  And that is the true curse of being a celebrity.  Sometimes, people don’t like you.  So, my point is that sometimes you should really just leave us celebri-dieties (can I trademark this turn of phrase?) alone unless you have something really complimentary to say, or to give us money.

Speaking of which, I need a new I-phone.  I thought they’d put one in that crappy gift basket they gave us for coming to this event, but it was pretty crappy like I said.  Doritos?  Really, Hollywood Foreign Press Association?  Really?  But what’s up with this i-phone thing anyway?  It says I need to download new software to get the latest apps, but when I try to download the software for the phone on my computer, it says that I need a new computer operating system or something!  It’s like this crazy maze or something.  Someone should make a movie about that!  Looking at you, Dan. (Hopefully Dan Akroyd will be in attendance.)

 (I’ll just riff on Obama using predator drones for a few minutes to fill in the time).

Two words for everyone: Mel Gibson.  Boom!  I just put it out there.  Thank you Mel, for being my shouting partner.  I told him that I’d say his name once up here.  Quick note, if you say Mel Gibson three times in front of a mirror, boy are you asking for trouble!

Oh, I mentioned tweeting before or I think I did.  Here.  (I’ll pull my phone out at this point).  Let me read you some tweets that I wrote and tell me if you think they’re funny. (I’ll act like I’m scrolling through) Nope.  Nope.  That one’s not too good.  Nope.  Does anyone watch the Speed Channel?  Because this one would be funny if you knew something about that.  Oh, here’s one: “What’s up with the 405 today?  Crazy.  SMH.”  SMH means shaking my head, like “I can’t believe this.”

Well, my job is done ladies and gentlemen.  I’ve made Anne Hathaway fake-cry.  She’s so good at being fake-humble and fake sincere.  She really talented.  She should be up here next year.  She’ll be in a man’s suit or something outrageous I’ll bet.

Seacrest out!  (I’d like to drop the mic and walk away.  Can we make sure there is a wireless?)

Top 10 Most Memorable Comedy Bits of All Time (In My Opinion)

 

 

 

Ed. Note – These are some of what I perceive as some of the most memorable bits of all time.  The true test of a great bit is if it stays with you.  If you find yourself revisiting the logic from time to time.  Some of these bits are offensive, so please be warned if you are not ok with curse words then you probably shouldn’t watch the Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Bill Burr, Sam Kineson, or Kevin Hart videos.  

 

Jerry Seinfeld – Washing Machine

 

 

 

Jim Gaffigan – Seahorse

 

Bill Cosby – Dentist

Jim Breuer – Alcohol

George Carlin – Stuff

Dane Cook – Public Restrooms

 

Dave Chappelle – Sesame Street

 

 

Chris Rock – Polio

 

 

Sam Kineson – Go Where the Food Is!

 

 

Bill Burr – What are you?

 

Kevin Hart – Women and Fun