Local Banker Loses Everything

Ebenezer Scrooge in the throws of a nervous breakdown

London, U.K. – Local banker Ebenezer Scrooge has recently filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.  Scrooge had been one of the most successful and financially well-off individuals in all of London.  He ran a profitable money-lending operation and had made a fortune in the commodities market, earning him a nickname among traders as the “Meal Man.”  Scrooge was thought to be one of the most incisive and calculating minds in all of economics.

“His returns year over year were astounding,” said Liam Blithwart, an analyst for Coldwrench and Pricklestaff, LLC.  “If you look at his balance sheet, he was posting triple-digit revenue comps.”  Scrooge’s tactics had been wildly successful if not controversial.  Last July he invested into a financially unstable orphanage.  He eliminated the existing staff’s salary, liquidated the physical plant and repurposed the building into a tannery.  The venture netted him a small fortune.

Scrooge was a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner by most accounts.  As this reputation solidified, so did Scrooge’s place among the economic elite.  Scrooge owned a penthouse in downtown London that was perhaps the largest on the street.

Scrooge was doing well for himself.  However, on Christmas day of this past year sources say that Ebenezer Scrooge experienced a full-blown nervous breakdown.

Nephew Fred: “My uncle has developed what we believe to be a mixed anxiety depressive disorder coupled with paranoid delusional fantasies.  He said that ghosts had visited him and told him to reform.  He was running around donating his money to poorhouses, giving raises to his employees, and contributing funds to medical research.  It manifested itself in an acute timeline and ended up costing him his company and his livelihood.”

Scrooge has now been relegated to street life.  He roams the alleyways and dumpsters looking for food and giving away what surplus he has.

“It’s a truly pitiful thing,” says Blithwart.  “He was on the right track and something happened to him that caused him to lose his way.”