Thoughts on Being Married:

Pre-marriage:

–          I found it extremely difficult to make the switch from saying “my girlfriend” to “my fiancé.”  The word fiancé is revolting to me for some reason.  It conjures up images of frontward-facing fanny packs. 

–          I watched some videos of people fainting at weddings.  Normally, I would laugh at their misfortune.  “Ha Ha.  That person passed out and fell on top of the candelabra!  Thank God that’s not me.”  But then I started thinking, “That could be me.”  Then that turned into, “That will definitely be me.”  I spent the final hours of my last night as a single man doing deep-breathing exercises and trying to find a store that sold Smelling Salts.

–          I’m still trying to figure out what makes people so nervous during weddings.  I think it’s the finality of it all.  You are entering into a holy contract with God himself that you will protect and love a person completely and unconditionally.   If you don’t, God will sue you!  He will sue your ass so freaking hard it will make your head spin!

 

Wedding:

–          On the morning of the wedding, it’s important to have your friends around.  That’s what good groomsmen can do.  They just lighten the mood and distract you from your worries.  There’s nothing like a good solid wedgie to help you relax.

–          If you’re like me, you won’t be able to look directly at your bride as she comes down the aisle.  She is the sun, after all.  The center of your universe sparkling brighter than ever that day.  If you do wish to look at her, I would suggest polarized sun glasses or one of those eclipse boxes you used to make in grade school.

–          My dad is usually a plethora of useful advice.  When I asked him about what I should do on my wedding day he only had one piece of wisdom to impart:  “Don’t get too drunk on your wedding night.”  He paused for effect.  “You know…too drunk.”

–          Surprisingly, the cake that you paid an almost imaginary amount of money for is worth it. 

–          You know that catered dinner that you were looking forward to eating after a stressful day?  The waiter might as well just show you your entrée then throw it in the trash in front of you.  You will never even sniff it.

 

Honey moon:

–          The entire wedding experience is over the top to start.  However, a honeymoon at a Caribbean resort is sure to warp your life expectations more than anything else.  “This is what our life will be like forever, right?”

–          As with most places I go, I get the sneaking suspicion that every single person on this planet makes a lot more money than I do.  In my mind, everyone on the island was either an international spy or the owner of a copper mine in Argentina.

–          We were trying to find our “honey moon friends.”  This is another young couple that we would hang out with during the week and then stay in sporadic contact with throughout our lives.  We didn’t meet this couple.  We had a solid candidate on the second night but things just didn’t click.  It’s like we were on a mediocre first date.  There was this awkward moment between us at the end of the night:

Couple 1: Do you want us to walk you guys to your door? 

Couple 2: No thanks, we have an early day tomorrow.

Couple 1: Oh…OK.  Well, I guess this is goodnight.  (goes in for a kiss

Couple 2: Goodnight. (turns head slightly and gives the cheek.)

 ….

Couple 1(returns to their Pontiac TransAm and punches the steering wheel) 

 

Post-marriage:

–          We came back to our apartment and immediately dropped all of our luggage.  The luggage sat there for a few days, taunting us, reminding us of the fun we once had.  I started to refer to those vessels of emptiness as “fun husks.” 

–          There is a legitimate postpartum depression that follows all of this going on.  Only a few days ago, I was being showered with gifts, enjoying complimentary breakfasts and going on Jeep tours of economically disadvantaged tropical towns.  Now,  I’m at Giant Eagle, looking at different types of deodorant. 

–          Wearing a ring is strange.  I find myself toying with it constantly.  I put it on and take it off repeatedly.  I swirl it around my finger.  I look at it all the time.  I find myself referring to it and me as “we.”  I have an undeniable urge to strangle filthy hobbits.  It’s my preciousssss. 

–          I was a husband for little more than a week before I started to get a very real urge to wear track pants.  I’m guessing next week the goatee will start to come in and about a month from now I’ll be complaining about Luke Ravenstahl. 

–          I have a wife.  A beautiful wife at that!  What a lucky dog!