Pitching Machine Throws No-Hitter

Milford, CT — After more than 12 years in operation and 834,994,214 balls thrown, pitching machine TOSS 42tx threw its first no-hitter in Wahooz Family FunZone’s history.

“I’m just really happy for TOSS,” said maintenance technician Paul Arhouse.  “He deserves it.”

Wahooz Family Fun Zone manager Colin Jenkins said before the day started that he wanted to limit TOSS to a maximum of 400-450 pitches. The Taiwanese pitching machine finished with a career-high 914.  The day saw 113 batters up and 113 batters down.

Afterward, an emotional Jenkins expressed his choice to go for the no-hitter instead of ensuring that the patrons of Wahooz actually had a good time.

“It’s a delicate balance,” said Jenkins.  “Some people were getting pissed that they paid $15 only to be completely embarrassed in front of their family and friends, but I just had to see it through.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” said TOSS 42tx. “I almost can’t believe it.”

5 minutes before close, with all 23 employees standing with anticipation, TOSS’ final pitch, a 3-2 change-up, resulted in local plumber Bob DeVries swinging and missing.

“This place f**king blows,” said DeVries as he left the batting cage.

DeVries’ 7 year old son, Thomas, falls victim to a 95 mph breaking ball.

TOSS 42tx said it has never thrown a no-hitter at any stage of its career.  TOSS 42tx said the first thing it would do after the game was call its parents, two blue-collar industrial-grade washing machines, in Taiwan.

“It was tough for me to make it out of my home country,” said an emotional TOSS.  “I just hope they’re proud of me.”