David Blaine Finally Does It; Sets Satan Loose in New Jersey

Paramus, NJ – In a stunt that is sure to divide the nation, perhaps literally, magician David Blaine has accidentally unshackled Satan’s forces and set them free in a strip mall in Paramus, NJ.  The destruction has already reached a fever pitch as the sun has turned as black as oilcloth and the moon appears to be bleeding.

“I’m not ready to say that the trick was worth all this chaos,” said Bill Didson, the object of Blaine’s trick.  “But the guy got my card into a beer bottle somehow!”

Blaine has been in town for two weeks filming his newest tv special entitled, “David Blaine: Suffocating Himself with a Shopping Bag.”  As part of the TV package, the magician walked the street with his camera crew performing his brand of mildly frightening street magic.  That’s when Blain found Didson, an auto-mechanic at a local Midas Muffler, and tried to guess his card.  Shortly after the magician showed that Didson’s selected card was in an empty beer bottle nearby, the sky ripped open and all manner of horrible monster flowed out.  A dragon, a seven-headed leopard-like beast, and several thousand Scorpion-people poured through the gates of the other dimension and into the parking lot of a Whole Foods Market. 

“This was never truly my intention,” said Blaine in his typical monotone trance.  “I was just trying to guess this one guy’s card.  But I burned a napkin and muttered some incantations and in the process I must have mistakenly loosed a terrible force upon the Earth.”

The ensuing chaos has already had an effect on Paramus retail/commercial district.  Many instances of looting, rioting, and soul reaping have already been reported to police.  The local Cheesecake factory has had to close its doors due to what health inspectors called, “zombie chicken patties.” 

Traffic on route 17 is now backed up for miles, due to four horsemen blocking all lanes of traffic.

Eye-witness accounts did say that Blaine’s trick “was pretty awesome.”