Month: June 2012

Superpowers that Might Actually Suck

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

I’ve often wished that I had a superpower.  Too many times in life I feel weak, defenseless, or worst of all, ordinary.  Like many others, I’ve looked to comic books for an escape.  The characters and geographies provide me a brief reprieve from this a not-so-fantastic world.  This little break always leaves me wanting more though.  I want to be part of that reality.  I want to be able to save someone from a burning building.  I want to do be courageous.  I want to use my telekinetic powers to shield the world from the fracturing energy of the M’Krann Crystal, unleashed by the Shi’iar Galactic Guard.

Deep breath.

However, as much as I wish I could have superpowers, I think there would be drawbacks to a lot of them.

Flying – Flying affords you something that many people crave: complete freedom.  Imagine being able to run away and clear your mind at 25,000 ft at any time you’d like.  Sounds great.  But being able to fly like SuperMan or the Green Lantern in this day in age would almost assuredly lead to constant TSA inspections.  So even if you are Storm of the X-Men Hawkman of the Justice League, chances are you’re going to get a solid cavity search from a person in a semi-official-looking uniform before you head out to save the world.  Plus, there’s precious little free airspace in the world left that isn’t monitored heavily by predator drones (thanks al-Qaeda).

“I can’t believe they made me take my shoes off.”

Super-strength – Have you ever met someone who goes to the gym all the time?  Do you find their personality even barely tolerable?  Thought not.  That’s why the Hulk doesn’t really have any friends.  He’s always talking about how his delts aren’t quite where he wants them to be.  He never asks you about anything that’s going on in your life.

“I do a little cardio to start off with. Then I take 30 grams of Androstack. Then, BOOM, I hit the pec’s hard, bro!”

Telepathy – The ability to read minds is perhaps the superpower that could lead to great advantages over your fellow humans.  Being able to tell if someone is bluffing in poker, if a financial advisor is selling you bad junk bonds, or if your wife really did like your karaoke rendition of “Bad Romance.”  The truth would be ever-present.  And that would be terrible.  If I lived in a world where I knew what most people thought about me, I’m pretty sure I’d have a nervous breakdown.  I’d be reading my Grandma’s mind, “She doesn’t think I’m that cute anymore.”

“What do you mean they stopped making Excedrin?”

Invisibility – If your wish to be invisible was granted, you would gain the ability to go anywhere undetected.  It would also mean that you’re taking your creepy voyeurism fantasies to unimagined heights.  It’d be sweet at first, but then you’d probably spend most of your days (and nights) in locker rooms of the opposite sex.

“I smell like talcum powder and wet towels.”

I think I’ve discovered my superpower.  Is being negative all the time a superpower?

Pitching Machine Throws No-Hitter

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Milford, CT — After more than 12 years in operation and 834,994,214 balls thrown, pitching machine TOSS 42tx threw its first no-hitter in Wahooz Family FunZone’s history.

“I’m just really happy for TOSS,” said maintenance technician Paul Arhouse.  “He deserves it.”

Wahooz Family Fun Zone manager Colin Jenkins said before the day started that he wanted to limit TOSS to a maximum of 400-450 pitches. The Taiwanese pitching machine finished with a career-high 914.  The day saw 113 batters up and 113 batters down.

Afterward, an emotional Jenkins expressed his choice to go for the no-hitter instead of ensuring that the patrons of Wahooz actually had a good time.

“It’s a delicate balance,” said Jenkins.  “Some people were getting pissed that they paid $15 only to be completely embarrassed in front of their family and friends, but I just had to see it through.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” said TOSS 42tx. “I almost can’t believe it.”

5 minutes before close, with all 23 employees standing with anticipation, TOSS’ final pitch, a 3-2 change-up, resulted in local plumber Bob DeVries swinging and missing.

“This place f**king blows,” said DeVries as he left the batting cage.

DeVries’ 7 year old son, Thomas, falls victim to a 95 mph breaking ball.

TOSS 42tx said it has never thrown a no-hitter at any stage of its career.  TOSS 42tx said the first thing it would do after the game was call its parents, two blue-collar industrial-grade washing machines, in Taiwan.

“It was tough for me to make it out of my home country,” said an emotional TOSS.  “I just hope they’re proud of me.”

Conversation at the Konkle’s

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

The Konkle Family sits around the dinner table and conducts a lively conversation.  However, everyone is talking yet nobody hears anything anyone else is saying.

Grandma: Who baked these brownies?

Sister: I did Grandma.

Grandma: I like them.  They’re chewy.

Sister: Yeah, I just baked them for a little less time.  Probably 20-24 minutes.

Grandma: Hey, how’s your job search coming along?

Sister: Pretty good.  I just had an interview the other day.  It seemed to go pretty well.

Grandma:  How long do those things usually go for?

Aunt: Jeez!  Doesn’t anybody in this family listen?  She just said that the interview lasted for 20-24 minutes.

David Blaine Finally Does It; Sets Satan Loose in New Jersey

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Paramus, NJ – In a stunt that is sure to divide the nation, perhaps literally, magician David Blaine has accidentally unshackled Satan’s forces and set them free in a strip mall in Paramus, NJ.  The destruction has already reached a fever pitch as the sun has turned as black as oilcloth and the moon appears to be bleeding.

“I’m not ready to say that the trick was worth all this chaos,” said Bill Didson, the object of Blaine’s trick.  “But the guy got my card into a beer bottle somehow!”

Blaine has been in town for two weeks filming his newest tv special entitled, “David Blaine: Suffocating Himself with a Shopping Bag.”  As part of the TV package, the magician walked the street with his camera crew performing his brand of mildly frightening street magic.  That’s when Blain found Didson, an auto-mechanic at a local Midas Muffler, and tried to guess his card.  Shortly after the magician showed that Didson’s selected card was in an empty beer bottle nearby, the sky ripped open and all manner of horrible monster flowed out.  A dragon, a seven-headed leopard-like beast, and several thousand Scorpion-people poured through the gates of the other dimension and into the parking lot of a Whole Foods Market. 

“This was never truly my intention,” said Blaine in his typical monotone trance.  “I was just trying to guess this one guy’s card.  But I burned a napkin and muttered some incantations and in the process I must have mistakenly loosed a terrible force upon the Earth.”

The ensuing chaos has already had an effect on Paramus retail/commercial district.  Many instances of looting, rioting, and soul reaping have already been reported to police.  The local Cheesecake factory has had to close its doors due to what health inspectors called, “zombie chicken patties.” 

Traffic on route 17 is now backed up for miles, due to four horsemen blocking all lanes of traffic.

Eye-witness accounts did say that Blaine’s trick “was pretty awesome.”