Month: May 2012

Robert E. Lee Goes to a Rave in Peoria

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Last weekend, former Confederate General Robert E. Lee accidentally walked into a time warp through no fault of his own.  A series of snapping quarks and swirling dimensions unfolding upon themselves shoved General Lee into the 21st century.  Unfortunately, he was plopped into the middle of a rave at Plaza Bonita, an abandoned office park outside of Peoria, IL.

Robert E. Lee:  What in the blue devil has happened?  Where am I? What is that cacophony I hear pulsating from the rafters of this structure?

Guy with Yellow Mohawk: That’s Skrillex dude.

Robert E. Lee: Well it sounds like a flock of sheep being sheared by the Devil.  Mercy!  What’s happened to your scalp, son?  Did your town get attacked by the Comanche again?  As impoverished and deposed as their lot is, the Indians are still most ferocious.  I’ll send for the US Marshalls at once.  Or perhaps we should send for someone from the Bureau of Indian Affairs.  Get my  quill and my writing desk!  Where is the nearest post-master?

Lady with Pacifier: Cool beard man.  Colonel Sanders has a crispy, cool beard.

Robert E. Lee: Where is your husband madam?  I should think he’d like to be made aware of the salacious nature of your wardrobe.  It shames me to look in your direction.  Get your hands off of me!

Dude with Ninja Turtles Snuggie Wrapped Around His Head Like a Turban: This wool suit is like so…peaceful.

Robert E. Lee:  Who are you?

Dude with Ninja Turtles Snuggie Wrapped Around His Head Like a Turban:  I’m like the man.  I’m the man in charge.  Let me touch your chest hair.

Robert E. Lee: I cannot consent to be controlled by one who cannot control himself.  Unhand me.

General Lee pulls out his sidearm, an 1851 Colt Navy Revolver, and shoots the Dude with the Ninja Turtles Snuggie Wrapped Around His Head Like a Turban in his leg.

Robert E. Lee:  My experience of men has neither disposed me to think worse of them, or indisposed me to serve them.  However, the field nurse will undoubtedly have to take your leg.  It already reeks of gangrene.

Robert E. Lee takes a small glowstick off of the writhing raver in front of him.  He waves it over his head, hollering a rebel yell. 

Now…who’s got some Ecstasy, for Granny Lee?  I’m trying to roll on this place.

Help Me

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

I have a lot of anxiety.  I worry about everything.  And it’s not normal worrying.  I go from “Oh no, I forgot to mail that letter,” straight to “Oh no, I’m probably going to go broke, fail as a father and die because I forgot to mail that letter.”

I tried meditation. That’s supposed to calm down my mind.  But my mind is really combative.
Me: Hey brain, stop thinking thoughts for like two seconds already!  You’re driving me nuts.

Brain:  Oh, you want me to shut up?  What would win in a pie eating contest: a horse or a zebra?  How far do you realistically think you could throw a boomerang?  Imagine a new color, while you’re at it.  Don’t tell me to shut up…

I want to be a better person but I can’t get into the whole self-help movement.  I’ve tried.  I’ll be at a book store and see a new release “21 Steps to A Better You.”  It’s kind of a sad thing that I even am partially interested in that.  When I pick up the book I’m essentially saying, “Hmm.  I AM a pretty horrible person.  Let’s see what this random guy with no-credentials has to say.”

The authors of those self-help books never have any real credentials.

Author Garrett Parker is a graduate of Garrett Parker University and a 5-time Schmeggegy Institute Award Winner for Excellence in Self-Improvement.  He has written such books like…the one you are reading right now.  He has a cousin and also enjoys water to drink.  This headshot with him holding a backpack outside really shows that he’s a take charge kind of guy!

5 Time Schmeggegy Award Winner

I’ll leaf through these books and it’s all non-sense.  I read a chapter of one that said in order to be a more effective person you need to create a symphony in your life, meaning you need to ensure that pieces of your life all fit harmoniously together.  Ok.  That’s pretty vague but I’ll go with it.  How do I go about achieving more symphony in my life?  The author’s recommendation?  Listen to symphonies.  Yeah, that’s useful.  I’m a work-aholic, I think my wife is cheating on me and I just found a bunch of cough syrup bottles in my daughter’s bedroom.  Well, cue the Beethoven!

Those books have the worst advice.  It’s just vague and directionless.  Be yourself.  Step it up!  Make it happen!  What is “it”? No one ever says what “it” is.  It could be anything.   Is “it” bread?  Make bread happen???  I’ll need some eggs and a Kitchen Aid mixer, but as long as I never give up, visualize my success and keep on truckin’, I really think I could make a good loaf happen!

I’d like to take this moment to announce that my new self-help book, “Making a Good Loaf Happen” will be available at bookstores next month.