A Six-Sigma Black Belt at the Drive-Thru

A Volkswagon Passat pulls up to the drive-thru of Burgerland.

Voice: Hello welcome to Burgerland, home of the 99 cent Double Whammy. My name is Melissa; may I take your order please?

Six-Sigma: Well I guess the first step is that we need to agree on what my current underlying gaps are from a hunger-perspective. Let me do a quick root-cause analysis.

Six-Sigma drives away. Comes back in 2 hours and enters the drive-thru again.

Melissa: Hello welcome to Burgerland, home of the 99 cent Double Whammy. My name is Melissa; may I take your order please?

Six-Sigma produces a time chart.

Six-Sigma: Hi again Melissa. After looking at a few timelines, I determined that I haven’t eaten for 6 hours, so I’m getting to be a little bit hungry.

Melissa: Well we have plenty of options here to satisfy your hunger. Can I suggest the new Chicken Tuscana or our Classic Whammy?

Six-Sigma: Hmm. That’s an interesting concept. I’d like to run a few F-tests to make sure that our Alpha Risk is low. At the onset, I feel like the Chicken Tuscana has a high-confidence band. We’ll be in touch.

Six-Sigma drives away. Comes back in 2 hours and enters the drive-thru again.

Melissa: Hello welcome to Burgerland, home of the 99 cent Double Whammy. My name is Melissa; may I take your order please?

Six-Sigma: Hi Melissa. It’s so great that we were able to get back together on this. Really. Thanks for making the time. I hope you feel as strongly as I do that this project is heading in the right direction.

Melissa: I guess. Can I take your order now?

Six-Sigma: I’ve built a few tree diagrams for you to review. We have several options and we need to follow through on some of these decision points. But by my timeline, we are way ahead of schedule. This is great from a stakeholder perspective.

Melissa: What do you want to eat? Just tell me already. Enough of this ridiculous lingo. I can’t understand what the hell your talking about. What. Do. You. Want. To. Eat?

Six-Sigma: Well after looking at the subjective rating and ranking between the Classic Whammy and the Chicken Tuscana meal, I believe that the standard deviation as indicated by this scatterplot reveals that this rational sub-group has a standard deviation of about .12. I think this shows a pretty robust ordinal data.

Melissa: Hey! Order your God damned sandwich already. I don’t have all day!

Six-Sigma: Double Whammy meal.

Melissa: Great. How hard was that? Now, what do you want to drink?

Six-Sigma: Interesting shift in variables… I think I’d like to go back and –

Melissa: You’re getting a coke. How’s that?

Six-Sigma: That seemed a bit rash. But in all honesty, the drink decision was low-hanging fruit. The intangible benefits weren’t calculated but even with a Force Field Analysis we probably would have arrived at the same Linearity.

Melissa: Anyway, your total comes to $7.89.

Six-Sigma: Actually, I’ve just tallied up my billable time spent on this project and actually you owe me $3,280.