To Whom It May Concern,

Recently, I had the misfortune of shopping at your location in Billings, MT. I found my experience to be almost entirely deficient. As for one, you do not have any shopping locations in all of my hometown of Sheridan, WY. Therefore I had to travel nearly 130 miles to find a nearby store. Surely you must have enough customers to warrant building a store in my locality! The bustling market-district of Sheridan has seen rapid growth in the past few years. We have a Boot Barn, a JC Penny and a thriving methamphetamine lab that has sprung up in an abandoned Arby’s location. The high school children seem to provide a lot of foot traffic. This is to say your organization must act quickly and sign some type of occupancy contract. If you delay, then you may be subjected to the increased lease prices that are sure to be caused by banks moving in to speculate on Sheridan real estate. Although the bankers will most likely find our local militia groups quite unwelcoming, I’m afraid.

After the long trip, both my mule and I were in sour moods. The journey to Billings took three days and I was bitten by a snake along the way. Once my poison-induced hallucinations had subsided, the snake apologized to me for its bad manners and moved along. My mule, on the other hand, was tickled by the entire ordeal. He laughed and laughed for hours. However, by the time we arrived at your store, he was dehydrated from the journey and all the cocaine. I bought him some Gatorade at a nearby CVS and he quickly became his old self as he drank in the rich electrolytes.

When I walked into the store, I immediately asked the clerk where they kept the munitions. Clark or Benjamin was his name. Clark didn’t seem to understand. He said, “Munitions? You mean like guns?” I nearly fainted. I hadn’t come all the way from Sheridan, a city Outdoor World Magazine named the “Revolver capital of Wyoming,” just to purchase run-of-the-mill firearms. I asked him again, “Where are your munitions?” and this time I winked and nudged him suggestively. Where I come from this is the universal sign for, “Show me your landmine collection.” Non-verbal communication accounts for nearly 90% of all human interaction, or so I’ve read. Clark was, for all intents and purposes, oblivious to my advances regarding detonation devices.

I needed these landmines because, as most people know, I am devising a very important plan to blow up the moon. I was able to prove long ago that Earth’s moon was actually a satellite created by the FBI to monitor and obtrusively observe American citizens without a warrant. You may have read my wildly popular exposé on the topic in the Sheridan Observer-Reporter. It wasn’t published in the actual newspaper though. The fascists in the editing department told me I had no facts to sustain my allegation. I said, “Well whatdya think the moon is there for, stupid?” They had no response. I took matters into my own hands. I absconded with (police reports may have used the term “hijacked”) a delivery truck and was able to slip in some self-published pamphlets into the Arts and Entertainment section. People looking to find what time Shrek 3 was playing at the local theater that night were treated to a mind-blowing surprise.

Anyway, Clark the clerk became alarmed when I demanded he show me the landmines he had in stock and promptly called the authorities. Having not been my first run in with the law, I took it as my cue to skedaddle. I hopped on my trusty mule, now filled to the brim with Glacier Freeze^TM, and made my way back through the desert to Sheridan.

Needless to say, I have never received such poor customer service in my life. Not even at the local meth lab! You could take lessons from those folks on how to conduct a business! I demand an apology from the corporate office regarding my experience. I hold Bed, Bath, and Beyond to a high standard of service and I expect those standards to be met in full.

Please send either a 40% off coupon for lamps or some landmines to my loft apartment to make up for this poor experience. Or you could blow up the moon for me and I would consider this matter settled.

I look forward to your response.

Signed,

Alan “Smitty” Gibbons

More Smitty

– Intro to Smitty

– Missing Again

– Breaking and Entering

– Easter

– Making the Volleyball Team