United Engineers Unveil Crash-Proof Aircraft Prototype

United's New "Crash-Proof" UAL 7500 S

Atlanta, GA  – Engineers at United have completed the construction of what the company is a calling “the world’s safest airplane.”  It is a landmark innovation for the beleaguered carrier, which reported a net loss of $325 million in Q4. 

“We believe that this new prototype will revolutionize the flight industry and put United Airlines back at the top an industry leader,” said Jeff Smisek President and CEO.  Smisek is still sensitive about revealing the actual design secrets until the patents clear, however he was able to share a broad overview of the safety enhancing features of the new UAL 7500 S prototype.

“Basically our engineers looked at the material used to construct the outside paneling of the plane,” Smiskek explained.  “Instead of using aluminum, the design team used the same material that we use for the black box.”

The relatively simple and intuitive idea was born out of a team-building exercise that United’s top-engineers attended one Wednesday night.  They went to a Comedy open mic at Brewsky’s pub.  “There was one comic who was talking about Viagra side-effects and how women are always shopping,” recalls project manager Vishtan Kallistak.  “Then he eventually moved into some interesting discussion about airplane construction.  He said, ‘If the black box is the only thing that survives a plane crash, why don’t they just make the whole damn thing out of the black box?”

With that, the United design team rushed back to their office and immediately began drawing up plans.  8 months later, the company is ready to reveal the first ever crash-proof airplane.

“We’ve contacted the comedian and signed him to a lucrative consulting contract,” Smisek says.  “We think with his assistance, we will become the number one aircraft service carrier in the world.  He has already offered some interesting insights on the quality of airline food. ”