Stamford, CT – In what will certainly prove to be a groundbreaking revelation for the world of Professional Wrestling, Dartmouth statisticians Igor Vronksy and Vhedhi Khamilan have discovered a strong correlation between Professional Wrestling “Finishing Moves” and the likelihood of achieving a pinfall.
“A few months ago, we were watching Monday Night Raw and we noticed that a lot of wrestlers won only after performing their signature maneuver on their opponent,” Vronsky writes in his research article. “I began an Excel spreadsheet right there and logged every match’s outcome along with which wrestler performed a Finishing Move. The results show a strong correlation, perhaps even causation, between the two variables.”
The article has already sent shockwaves through the Pro Wrestling community. The old guard seems reluctant to accept the findings. Ric Flair, age 62, was disturbed by the notion that 99% of a wrestling match is superfluous. “To think all the time I’ve spent doing Sidewalk Slams and Russian Leg Sweeps and Reverse Dragon Locks was truly meaningless. Whooo,” Flair crowed dejectedly. “It’s sad.”
“I should have just been going for the Stunner the whole time,” remarked former World Heavyweight Champion Stone Cold Steve Austin. “It would’ve damn sure my life a lot easier. Wouldn’t have had to waste my time with all the other crap.” Austin then motioned to the corner of the interview room and 9 cans of beer came flying out of nowhere. He opened each can, chugged the contents and sat in silence.
Dean Malenko, who built his reputation on being “The Man of a Thousand Holds,” could not be reached for comment.
The research also suggests that the actual destructive power of a wrestler’s finishing move has little to no correlation with its effectiveness in achieving victory. In fact, there appears to be some sort of innate, perhaps placebic, power in the notion of a finishing move itself. “In a recent match featuring wrestlers The Rock and Hulk Hogan, we clearly saw The Rock give a piledriver to Hogan,” explains Khamilan. “Based on impact testing, a correctly executed piledriver would likely brake Hogan’s neck, perhaps resulting in paralysis. Yet we observed Hogan kicking out of a pinfall attempt after a two-count. However, later in the match The Rock ran across the ring a number of times and dropped what appeared to be a harmless, almost comical, elbow to the chest of Hogan which inexplicably incapacitated the huge man.”
Vince McMahon, owner of World Wrestling Entertainment, has threatened to sue everybody at Dartmouth.