Smooth Intervention

The Patterson Family gathers in the living room of their Grandfather’s House.  They’ve assembled as a family unit to confront ALBERT, the middle child, about his drug problem.  ALBERT’S mother, BARB, is pacing the room, biting her fingernails on one hand, holding a cell phone in the other.

BARB:  OK Jason.  That sounds good.  We’ll be here.  Just do me a favor and stay in the driveway.  I don’t want him to run away.  Uh-huh.  Jason, you’re a good friend.  We’ll see you soon.

BARB hangs up the phone.

BARB (to everyone): That was Jason.  They’re pulling up to the house now.  Is everyone prepared?

PETEY: I don’t know Mom.  I’m really nervous.  Albert’s always been pretty headstrong.  I just don’t want him to freak out.

BARB: We just need to make sure that he knows we’re doing this for him.  We can’t sit back and let him ruin his life.  This is what family does.

The front door creaks open.  ALBERT walks in.

ALBERT: Whoa.  What is everyone doing here?  Mom?  What’s going on?

BARB (choking up): Albert, we love you so much.  Your drug use has gotten out of control.  We’re here to help you stop this cycle of destruction.

ALBERT: You want me to stop using heroin?

BARB (becoming hysterical):  Yes!  Oh Albert!  I can’t stand it.

ALBERT (shrugs shoulders): OK.  I’ll stop.

RICK: C’mon Albert.  You’re like my hero.  Do it for me, your little brot- Wait? What did you say?

ALBERT: Yeah, no problem.  It’s become sort of boring, actually.

BARB: What?

ALBERT: Yeah, consider it done.  Jeez, I didn’t know it was that big of a deal to you guys.

BARB: So you’re done?


PETEY: Like done-done?

ALBERT sits down on the couch and begins to rummage around the coffee table for a Newsweek Magazine.


Everyone takes a moment to contemplate.  

RICK: Can I still say my speech?  I worked all week on it.

ALBERT: I don’t really see the point.

The family sits in silence.  A leaf-blower can be heard in the distance.

BARB: Well, who’s hungry?  Rick, go tell Jason to come in from the driveway.  I’ll start defrosting some chicken.