I Am…



A College graduate.  I sold my diploma and the picture frame it was in for cat food.  I do not have a cat.  And I, myself, am not hungry.


I work in the county jail as a scientist.  The confusion helps conceal my experiments.  You’ll thank me when I finally invent “shoes.”


I write poetry about the class warfare betwixt pens and pencils.  “We are not so unlike one another,” is a line I use when I empathize.


I still can’t afford to let my parents know about my secret half-sister, half-Dalmatian. I gave her her middle name.  It’s Alan.  Betsy Alan Doggy.


I have over 40 bowls in my lazy-Suzann.  Lazy?  She works all the time and still never gets ahead.


I am full of processed meats and assorted Halloween candy.  I draw strength from empty calories.  And guess what?  Chicken butt!


I feel almost nothing when I see a bird.


I’ve memorized your address and your Social Security number.  Yes, you!


I can’t remember what time Jeopardy comes on. 7:30?


I support the notepad industry.
I am the .000000001%