“Tool Man” Finally Files for Divorce

(AP – Detroit) – After years of sustaining a rocky marriage, it was announced today on Detroit’s cable access television station that Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor and Jill Patterson Taylor would be filing for divorce.  

The move comes as no surprise to those who knew the couple.  “She was extraordinarily mean to him,” said Al Borland, Tim’s Co-host on Detroit’s number one rated cable home improvement show Tool Time.  “Every interaction I saw between the two, she was constantly mocking him, being sarcastic and angry.  I’m frankly shocked he put up with her for this long.”

Tim Taylor’s lawyer says that too many irreconcilable differences caused the split.  She would drag him to operas, ballets and library fundraisers, knowing full-well that her husband hated those events.  Tim always tried to be supportive, but she still belittled him and yelled at him.

Jill Taylor-Patterson was also an allegedly horrible cook and often provided barely edible meals for her husband and three sons, Brad, Randy and Mark.

“Tim just supported her all the time,” says neighbor Wilson Wilson.  “When Jill wanted to go back to school for her master’s degree in psychology, Tim paid for the whole thing and even took on more chores around the house.  When Jill’s birthday came around, he tracked down and refurbished an old piano that had belonged to Jill’s family.  He even forgave her when she had a brief romantic interlude with the guy installing their marble countertops.”

“And what does she turn around and make him do?” Wilson’s voice echoing from behind a picket fence.  “She made him, that’s right made him, get a vasectomy.  It’s unconscionable.”

According to reports the final argument was regarding Jill moving her pottery wheel into the garage.  The Tool Man had had enough and immediately contacted his lawyers.