January 3, 2011
Have you ever thought something that makes you realize that you’re stupid? I usually like to think I’m a smart guy. I’m not good at Math or Science, or grammar, or remembering historical dates, or saying the alphabet, or coloring inside lines, or anything else remotely academic but still I like to think that I’m smart. Unfortunately I came to the realization the other day that I am not smart and in fact, I’m probably a closet moron.
I was eating a turkey sandwich on my couch. For some reason my nose started running. It was one of those urgent nose runs, like your mucus just came off of the jet way at an airport terminal. There was a large potential for this to be a messy situation. However, I didn’t want to get off of the couch. I was comfortable. I had a snuggie draped over my unshowered body (Don’t judge. I was on vacation ), my one hand was tucked into the waistband of my sweatpants. My butt was wedged perfectly in the cushions. Standing up and getting a Kleenex was out of the question.
I looked around desperately to decide what to wipe my nose with. There was the couch. I could smear my face on the armrest or the seat. No, I’m not entirely sure how to wash couch cushions but I’m sure it’s time intensive. I could take off my sock, but my feet were nice and toasty. Then I saw my turkey sandwich and my mind went into a flurry of intensely idiotic calculations. Bread is absorbent. I’ve seen it suck up French onion soup before. Bread is soft. It would be gentle on my nostrils. And Bread is cheap. At 2.19 a loaf I figured that’s about a dime a slice. I could easily dispose of the top slice of bread and replace it with a new one with little monetary impact. Calculation complete.
Without hesitating, I picked up the top slice of bread from my turkey sandwich and began to raise it to my moist nostrils. Thankfully some lone shred of human intelligence in my dead brain raised it’s voice and said to me, “Hey! Sandwiches are for eating, not for nose wiping.”
How I’ve functioned up until this point is amazing to me.