Red Wine Manufacturer Admits: “It’s All the Same”

June 16, 2011

(AP) Napa Valley, CA—

Earlier today Fred Franzia, world famous winemaker and owner of Bronco Vineyards admitted during a press conference that all wine makers “basically use the same stuff and put it in different bottles.”

The comment sent shockwaves throughout the wine-drinking community.  “It’s like I’ve been living a lie,” said Shiraz connoisseur Elie Pardeaux.  “All those times I made everyone else feel inadequate for not having a refined taste, really I was the idiot.”

“Yes.  I’m afraid it’s true,” continued Franzia, amidst gasps of horror.  “Shiraz, Merlot, Cabernet, we all pour it out of the same barrel.  I mean come on!  You guys seriously didn’t know that?  It’s all red-grapes!”

When asked about the aging process and the different types of barrels that vineyards supposedly use to manufacture wine, Franzia laughed and shook his head.  “It’s not that complicated you know.  I mean, prison inmates figured out how to make wine ages ago.  And it’s good too!  Most of the wine manufacturers in the US sub-contract all their production to the US Prison system.  Atlanta Federal Penitentiary is our main supplier.  Free labor!”

Mike Kapowski, a dad of four and little league coach, knew it was a hoax all along.  “I kept telling my wife that I thought it all tasted the same.  She yelled at me for having no class!  Well, who has no class now, butt-head?” he said as he punched his wife in the shoulder a little too hard.  “Now get me a Bud-light!”

What about Light-bodied vs. Full-bodied?  High tannin count vs. Low?

“It’s all fake,” said Franzia.  “I’m telling you.  Also, red wine is really easy to get out of carpet.  Just put some flour on it and dab it up.  It comes right out.  That was a conspiracy too.”

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