June 28, 2011
New York City, NY – Today Federal Prosecutors found Steve Rogers, known to most as Captain America, guilty of using performance enhancing drugs. It was a landmark case in the fight against illegal steroids, which has plagued the nation for several decades.
“We feel that Captain America was setting a poor example for the youth of America,” said Mike Jacobs, spokesman for the prosecution. “He did not achieve success through hard work or perseverance. He took shortcuts. He cheated.”
“I feel as though I’ve been singled out and made a scapegoat here,” said Rogers in a press conference following the decision. “The US Army knew and encouraged the use of these performance enhancers. I am surprised and shocked that they would wash their hands clean of this.” He added, “I also find it strangely coincidental that my arrest and subsequent trial just happen to take place as the United States has reached it’s own debt ceiling. It’s an easy way to divert the public’s attention from the real issues at hand.”
Rogers initially became involved with human growth hormone and anabolic steroids after he enrolled in the US Army in 1940, shortly before Japan’s attack on Pearl Harbor. After going through the standard evaluation, medical personnel decided that Rogers was too scrawny to be an effective soldier. Disheartened by this rejection, he sought out alternative methods in order to make himself stronger and faster. He found eccentric Army physician Dr. Josef Reinstein, who was piloting a new program to develop “super-soldiers.” Dr. Reinstein injected Rogers with doses of the “Super-Soldier Serum.” The hopeful warrior was then exposed to a controlled burst of “Vita-Rays” that activated and stabilized the chemicals in his system. The pilot program was a massive success from most accounts as Rogers was immediately transformed into what Reinstein called, “a nearly perfect human being.”
Witnesses for the US Army testified unanimously that that Dr. Reinstein was a “rogue operative” and “all tests done on Mr. Rogers were performed without consent or approval from any of the Army’s top decision-makers.”
“Regardless of Mr. Rogers’ opinion of the role the Army played in this saga,” Jacobs explained. “At the end of the day, he alone must accept responsibility for his actions.”
“I literally punched Hitler in the face and this is the thanks I get,” a dejected Rogers said. “That’s America for you.”
Sentencing for the crime will occur at a later date.