July 13, 2011
Lexington, KY – After spending yet another night alone at a SKY Bar on W. Main Street, Lexington resident Carl Malinski was at a loss for words.
“I don’t get it,” he muttered. “I finished the whole program. Where are the chicks?”
Malinski had recently completed his 90th day of popular workout program P90X. Despite his washboard abs and off-putting neck muscles, he still found himself standing in a dark corner of the bar, leering at the other people having a good time. He attempted to approach one female ordering a drink at the bar, with less than optimal results.
“He mumbled something to me about ‘going for it,’” said Karen Silvers, the woman in question. “Then he lifted his shirt to show me his abs. I just walked away laughing at that point.”
“Yeah, that chick was definitely a lez-bo,” remarked a dejected Malinski.
3 months ago, Carl Malinski was a self-centered, uninteresting drip of a human with a bad sense of humor, poor listening skills and a slight weight-problem. He has since gotten rid of the weight problem.
He saw the P90X infomercial late one night after returning home from a bar with “no digits.” Right then and there he decided to do something about his situation.
“I knew if I wanted people to like me, I would have to be able to do more pull-ups than them,” commented Malinski.
After 90 days, the transformation was dramatic. Carl’s arms became hard like granite; his legs sculpted and defined; his chest sinewy and slightly weird looking. Unfortunately, his personality remained absolutely horrendous.
“I’ll bet I can bench more than you,” Malinski told Ben, a male bartender at SKY Bar.
“I’ll bet you could,” replied Ben, walking away.
Malinski is undeterred though. He figures that a few more sessions of Cardio X and Power Yoga will make people like him. “I mean, everyone is probably just really intimidated and, like, envious of me right now. That’s why I have no friends. That has to be why.” Malinski then caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror behind the bar and flexed his arms. “I’m going to have to take it to the next level, push it to the MAX and…”
He broke into tears, got into his Nissan Maxima, and drove back to his parent’s house.