June 2, 2011

As a comedian, I need to record my “funny” thoughts so I keep a journal.  All great men keep journals to track their heroic actions and intelligent musings.  Theodore Roosevelt, Robert E. Lee and…me.  I’m in that same camp, right?   What deep thoughts do I impart to the world?

“I got the Talladega Nights on Nextflix today.  It was just OK.”-JK

But we only get the good journal entries from those great men.  It’s always some succinct and poetic statement about a time and place in history.  We never hear Abraham Lincoln’s bad journal entries.

“April 20th 1854, 

The South is acting like a bunch of jerks.  It’s like, c’mon.  Slavery?  Really?  Like, stop being so phony.”  -AL

When a noteworthy person dies, we find their journal and publish it!  Put their most secret thoughts out there for the whole world to read.  That’s like something a really mean big brother would do.  Like Wayne from the Wonder Years.

That’s where you keep your deepest thoughts and secrets.  Who knows what kind of embarrassing stuff was in Bin Laden’s Journal.

“Day 327 in the cave.  I haven’t been with a woman in months.   I just sit here and watch TV.  Am I the only one that thinks Joy Behar is attractive?  I watched her show on HLN and felt a little jihad going on in my pants.”  – Osama

You realize the type of person you are when you write in a journal.  And I realized that I’m a complete hypocrite.  One time, I was on a plane getting ready to write in my journal.  I look over in the row next to me and there is some other kid writing in a journal.  Immediately I wrote down,

“Dear diary, some dude in the next row is writing in a diary.  What a dork!”  – JK

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