June 12, 2011
The Estadio Azteca in Mexico City is pulsating with crackling electricity. Thousands upon thousands of people have crammed into the massive bleachers, making the entire building seem like it will burst at any second. The crowd licks their chops in anticipation for the main event. They had seen a few undercard matches at this point, Asif Ali Zadari defeated Prime Minister Manmohan Singh; King Abdullah II won by disqualification after his opponent Nicholas Sarkozy used a foreign object; Andrea Merkel made Grand Duke Henri tap out with a vicious ankle lock. But everyone from all nationalities in attendance is now ready for the main event.
The wrestling ring seems like a tiny dot to the people in the upper sections, but the Jumbotron will help them follow the action. The glint of the aluminum ladder that stands ominously outside the ring reflects the hopes and dreams of many. This next match is the most important thing to ever happen in all of world history. The outcome will finally stop decades upon decades of bloodshed, proxy wars and economic embargoes. Russian President Dimitry Medvedev will take on President Barack Obama in a no-holds barred ladder match for the title of the World’s Most Dominant Nation.
The lights in the stadium dim ominously and a circle of fire slowly appears on the entrance ramp. Russian Club-Trance music thumps through the speakers. Medvedev slowly rises through the flames, dressed in a thirteenth century tunic. He carries a goblet that one could only assume is filled with blood. He walks to the ring, snarling at the children who line the aisle. The crowd reigns boos down upon him. They are untrustworthy of Americans, but they damn sure don’t want the Russians in charge. Medvedev climbs the ring apron, placing his chalice down in his own corner. He stands in the center of the mat, raises his hands and whips them down causing a slew of fiery pyrotechnics to erupt from the ring posts. The World title belt suspended from the ceiling reflects the orange glow.
The crowd hushes in anticipation. A video montage illuminates their faces. A calm establishing shot of Mount Rushmore fills the JumboTron and “I Am A Real American” begins to play over the loud speakers. The guitar solo drops and everyone looks for Barack Obama to come running down the entrance ramp. Suddenly, a few heads snap upward, noticing a spotlight shining onto the rafters. Obama is perched on a catwalk, fastened securely to a zipline harness. He takes off his white cowboy hat and waves it at the crowd, milking their reaction. He leaps off the catwalk, soaring down to the ring like a bald eagle, his leather chaps flapping in the wind.
Just as Obama finishes undoing his harness in the ring, Medvedev rushes over and starts attacking the President of the United States. The Swiss referee separates them to their neutral corners and rings the bell. The match starts with a classic tie-up and some incredible “technical” wrestling moves being displayed. Double-leg takedowns, fireman’s carries, and kip-ups from both wrestlers. The crowd appreciates the athleticism but this is no-holds barred. They want blood.
Medvedev throws Obama in an Irish whip off of the ropes and clotheslines him over to the outside. The Russian President slides out of the ring and begins stomping his opponent. Obama makes his way to his feet, catches one of Medvedev kicks, spins him around and gives him a German suplex on the bare concrete outside. The crowd groans in pain.
Obama is the first to his feet and begins to rummage underneath the ring, pulling out a wooden table and throwing it into the ring. While Obama is searching, Medvedev finds a folding chair. As Obama turns to face him, Medvedev smashes the American President in the face. Obama has been bloodied by the hit but he resiliently fights back and throws Medvedev back into the ring. Obama delivers a piledriver for good measure.
Obama stands over Medvedev and picks up his left leg. He gives his finger a swirl in the air, paying tribute to Ric Flair and delivers a figure four leg lock. Medvedev screams in pain and tries to inch over to the edge of the ring. Writhing in agony, he grabs the bottom rope. The referee slaps his hand away. This is no holds barred. Rope breaks are not in effect.
Just as it seems that Medvedev might tap out, Chinese President Hu Jin Tao rushes to the ring. He slides in to help his fellow Communist and begins stomping Obama. The gargantuan crowd at the Estadia Azteca boos with vigor. They want blood but they also want a fair fight.
Medvedev and Jin Tao work on Obama’s leg for a few minutes, taking turns stomping and twisting it in the hopes that the American President won’t be able to support his weight and ascend the ladder. But the crowd is with him and Obama starts to fight back. A slow clap from the people in attendance is enough he needs to reverse a double power bomb and send Jin Tao flying outside the ring, leaving a terrified Medvedev to defend against Obama’s attack.
Obama corners the Russian President, but he isn’t watching his back. The Chinese President taps Obama on the shoulder. As he turns around, Jin Tao spits green mist into his face. The crowd is booing voraciously.
Medvedev heads outside to retrieve the ladder and motions for Jin Tao to set up the table that is still in the ring. The two Communists work in concert and it looks like doom for Obama.
The ladder is set securely in middle of the ring and the table is propped up in the corner. Jin Tao throws a nearly unconscious Obama on to the table and begins to ascend the ladder with Medvedev. The crowd knows that a dreaded moonsault or elbow drop from the Chinese President will spell the end for Obama and America.
As Jin Tao climbs the ladder, he looks up at the World title belt. Medvedev is egging him on, screaming at him to put Obama through the table below. Jin Tao is an opportunist though and sees his chance to claim the World title for himself. He scrambles up the ladder in the hopes of taking Medvedev by surprise.
Medvedev recognizes this and the two begin exchanging blows at the top of the ladder. The two former partners look wobbly with each punch, elbow and headbutt landed. Each Communist looks as though they might fall, but it is Medvedev who strikes the final blow. He sends Jin Tao tumbling from the top of the ladder with a trajectory that looks like the Chinese President’s fall will also put Obama through the table, killing two birds with one stone.
However, Obama rolls off of the table at the last second as Jin Tao crashes through. The American President dropkicks the ladder, sending it toppling over with Medvedev on top. Unfortunately for Medvedev, his fall sends him groin-first onto the top rope. The crowd ooh’s with sympathy pain.
Obama grabs the fallen ladder, bloody and still wiping the green mist from his eyes. The crowd goes wild as he climbs the ladder and rips the title belt from the rafters.
“I Am A Real American” plays again and red, white and blue confetti falls from the heavens.