Breaking News: Man Dies Happy

May 23, 2010

Overland Park, KS  –  Family members and friends gathered today at 301 Farmdale Place to celebrate the life of Phillip Caylor.  Caylor, aged 65, died in his mansion on Sunday night.  He is survived by his wife, Beth (a Sears Catalog model) and his 12 sons (all of whom were All-State athletes in wrestling, hockey, soccer, baseball, football, and lacrosse).

Caylor led what he called “just a great life.”  Quickly after graduating valedictorian of James Peterson High School, he went on to study Medicine on a full scholarship to the University of Omaha.  There he won the state its first national title in Gymnastics, sweeping the field with 11 perfect 10’s at the 1971 NCAA Championship.  After discovering a cure for Filk’s Disease, he decided to leave the field of medicine and pursue a career in Rock n Roll.  He started the band Lipps, INC whose song “Funkytown” peaked at number 1 on Billboard Top 100.

Riding that wave of popularity, Caylor admits having relationships with “many, many women” and “consuming many, many drugs.”

He met his wife Beth at his 20-year high school reunion, where he got into a physical altercation with Bob Callen, a bully that tormented the entire school.  He beat the bully senseless in front of everyone and later wrote a New York Times Best Seller about the incident entitled “Beating Your Bob: A Story of How I Met My Wife.”  Beth was bartending at the event and was impressed by Phillip’s physique and sense of justice.

At the age of sixty he was already a grandfather multiple times over and wrote a Tony Award Winning Off-Broadway play that he produced, directed and stared in himself.  The show ran for 3 years.  In it’s third year Sir Paul McCartney played the role of Bob.

At sixty-three, he retired to his home in Overland Park.  In the remaining years of his life he started multiple charities, won two senior Powerlifting competitions, caught the largest salmon on record in North America, and read “all the books I’d been meaning to read.”

He died while making love to his much younger wife Beth, just before making peace with God.

“He died with a smile on his face,” said one close personal friend.  “That same stupid, smug, grin.”

“God, I hated that guy.”

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