July 5, 2010
(Toronto, ON) – Even with a monstrous increase in security spending, Toronto fell victim to the destructive pranks and disruptive actions of a group of Anarchists called the Animaniacs.
Toronto is playing host for this year’s G-20 summit, a meeting of economic superpowers to strategize and plan financial policies that will shape the future of the world. It was expected that there would be a notable increase in police activity during the week. However, most local authorities believed that only run-of-the-mill protesters would show. They did not expect the extreme tomfoolery and slapstick mayhem that would be brought on the group of 3 cartoon siblings.
“We thought for sure we’d see your typical jobless, liberal, socialist, dressed in black, mid-20’s, anarchists,” said Toronto Police Chief Irwin Kalman. “We had no idea that they’d bring in these animated maniacs.”
“Oh,” he added. “I just got that.”
The Toronto incident started when the Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner hijacked all radio frequencies in the Metro area and delivered a message that caused many of the protesters to riot.
“We must destroy the last columns of authority here today. They will threaten us with violence and incarceration,” said Yakko, the eldest sibling and ringleader. “But this will not deter us. We’re zany to the max. There’s bologna in our slacks. We’re animan-y, totally insane-y, Animaniacs. Those are the facts.”
A small crowd, perhaps emboldened by the radio message given to them by figures who had become somewhat of an underground symbol of anti-authoritarian anarchy, began to charge the steel fence protecting a small cadre of world officials getting ready to leave for the airport. Over 200 arrests were made and several police officers were injured.
The Animaniacs were once major cartoon stars in the late 30’s. They had been locked away in a mental asylum on the WB studio lot because of “repeated offenses and hijinx” according to state records. Over the years though, they’re antics became less benign and more violent. As the year’s progressed, Secret Service agents uncovered a multitude of plans to commit serious political crimes, including one plot to assassinate President Franklin Delano Roosevelt. The Warners felt that FDR entered into WWII strictly to begin forming a “One-World Government,” and planned to kill the President by tickling him to death. The cartoon siblings were released in 1990 after serving a 60-year sentence, without much outcry from a general public who had forgotten about them entirely.
They had laid low for the bulk of the 90’s and 2000, with only a few incidents popping up on their record. The most notable was a harassment charge by Ralph, a security guard on the WB lot who said that the Animaniacs would constantly trick him and then hit him with oversized an wooden mallet. Charges were filed but the case was settled out of court.
“Ralph was a facist,” said Dot in an interview with High Times. “He represents all that is evil with the world: authority figures locking down the working class, controlling us.”
Dr. Scratchandsniff, Warner Brother’s studio psychologist was also a victim of harassment. “They said I has trying to control their minds with drugs,” the 60-year-old Austrian recalled. “I was just trying to put them on Prozac so they’d balance out a bit. They were fixated on the notion that chaos was the natural order of things. They hated all authority.”
It is thought that the Animaniacs were heavily influenced and perhaps even trained by prominent mouse terrorists Pinky and the Brain.
The Toronto Broadcast ended with Wakko making a final call. “Say Goodbye to this machine of systemic constriction and instead say ‘Hello, Nurse!’”