September 6, 2010
All wars can and should be shorter. Even WWII. The problem was that the people trying to end the war by killing Hitler were really dumb. There was some German Cabinetmaker named Johann Elser who tried to kill Hitler by planting a bomb in a Beer Garden where “der Fuhrer” was giving a speech. Well obviously it didn’t work. That’s not really the dumb part. As he was fleeing the country, the border guards found all the paperwork that said he was going to try and kill Hitler in his pocket! Now, if you even spent any time at assassin school you know that you don’t just keep orders to murder world leaders in your chinos! You’re supposed to light that stuff on fire or swallow it or cram into one of your many bodily orifices.
I can just see him trying to flee the country. The border guards stopping him. He was probably just fumbling around in his pocket and accidentally handed it over.
NAZI: Entschuldige, bitte. May I see you identification papers please?
JOHANN ELSER: Oh…(feeling chest and wallet) I don’t actually have my ID on me. Um…let’s see. I have this blue-print with my name on it for an bomb I made to kill Hitler with. I have a birthday card that I’m sending to my nephew for his Bar Mitzvah; be careful there’s a few sheckles in there! I also have a German flag that I wiped my ass with a couple of minutes ago. That should have plenty of DNA evidence to verify my identity.