November 8, 2010
Berkley, CA – After years of unquestioned acceptance around the math world the number 6’s existence has been disproved by Dr. Xia Xio Chien, theoretical mathematician at The University of California Berkley.
The revelation has sent shock waves through the science community as researchers frantically turn the magnifying glass in on their own theories and hypotheses. “I’d like to believe that Dr. Chien’s research is flawed,” said Bertrum Vestilan, Senior Fellow at the Brookings Institute. “But his paper is spot on. It completely invalidates the use of the number 6.”
“I was really looking at a number of confounding phenomena,” explained Dr. Chien in a nationally televised press conference. “The bank bailout, quantum physics, the 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon, etc. All of these things don’t make any sense at face value. They seem impossible. After doing some meta-studies and comparing them against one another, they all had the same variable in common. There was frequent use of the number 6. These things wouldn’t work without some type of impossible numeral integer. That’s where the number 6 comes in.”
Historians further confirmed the research. “After the news about number 6 was announced, we revisited an original copy of Isaac Newton’s Principia Mathematica,” wrote Dr. Tim Watley in an e-mail. “In some of the liner notes, we discovered previously unseen passages where Newton basically invented a number so that all of his proofs and theorems would pass muster. The famous equation for calculating Force (F = Mass x Acceleration) does not hold up without the use of the invented number 6, which prior to 1687 did not exist.”
What this means essentially, is that all human advancement from 1687 on has been predicated on a false concept. So how were we able to make such huge advancements in astronomy, chemistry and computer science in that time? Sheer, dumb, incalculably improbable luck.
“We are in a position similar to that of a man who was given a bunch of keys and who, having to open several doors in succession, always chose the right key on the first trial,” explained Dr. Chien.
His research team is now postulating a new theory on gravity, since the previous one has to be discarded. “We think gravity might be some type of giant bird, whose flapping wings keep us pressed to the Earth. That’s about as far as we’ve gotten.”
Liberal Arts majors rejoiced en masse at the announcement, which validated their often-sited inferiority complex. “It’s just great to find this out,” said one English major on campus. “I never really ‘got’ math for some reason and now I find out that there never really was anything to ‘get’ in the first place. I’m just glad I didn’t waste my time on it.”