Joe the Vampire

April 12, 2010

Vampire’s are back in a big way. Sales at Hot Topic are through the roof; the Twilight series rules the Silver Screen; and Trueblood’s return to television is one of the most highly anticipated of the season.  My problem is that these depictions of vampire’s men are all based on the same model of a vampire.  That is: dashingly handsome, well dressed, extremely eloquent, and savagely romantic.  Guess what?  Not every vampire would be like that.  Why can’t we see a depiction of a regular guy vampire?  Joe the Vampire.

He has a job a security guard at a mall working the night shift, making slightly above minimum wage.  He comes home really late (early) from work one day just before sunrise.  His nagging human-wife is there waiting up for him:


WIFE: Well there he is, Dracula himself.

JOE THE VAMPIRE: Oh, great what did I do?

WIFE: You know what you did and if you can’t see that then you might as well just turn into a bat.  You’ve got the same quality of eyesight.

JOE THE VAMPIRE: So I’m home a little late…or early…whatever.

WIFE: You think I like waiting up for you while you go out drinking blood with your stupid buddies until all hours of the morning?

JOE THE VAMPIRE: Just relax.

WIFE: No I will not relax!  Listen, I’m not immortal like you OK.  I’m not the living dead.  I only have maybe 50 more years to spend with you and I want to make it quality time.  It’s like you don’t even appreciate me.

JOE THE VAMPIRE: I appreciate you.

WIFE: Really?  Well I pressed and starched your cape today.  Did I get a thank you? No.  I woke up and put new sheets on your coffin.  Did you notice? No.  I even bought you SPF 2000 sun-block and you don’t even use it.  It’s like when we look in the mirror…it’s like I’m there all alone.

JOE THE VAMPIRE: I can’t help that, OK!  I don’t have a reflection!  And it’s not like you’re exactly a peach either.  Remember my birthday last year?  You took me to the Olive Garden on Never Ending Garlic Bread stick night!  Were you trying to kill me?

WIFE: All I want is something that says you care. Flowers, a piece of jewelry.

JOE THE VAMPIRE: You know I can’t even be in a jewelry store!  All that silver and those crosses; it’s an allergic reaction waiting to happen.  I don’t make you go to the botanical gardens when there’s a high pollen count.

…and scene.

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