June 14, 2010
One of my favorite rap song of all times is “Tha Crossroads” by Bone Thugs N Harmony. The song talks about all the people that they are going to see in Heaven. But in the multi-platinum classic, Bone Thugs seem to think that Eazy-E, the lead singer of NWA, is in Heaven. This is confusing. Either the Cleveland rappers were misinformed or Heaven is about as hard to get into as the University of Phoenix online. Eazy-E was a gang member, a drug dealer, and had 7 kids to 6 different women. He was the Dopeman for God’s Sake’s. How did he get into Heaven?
It’s gonna be awkward if my first day in Heaven I go to drop my luggage off and the concierge angel takes me to my room. Eazy-E’s just sitting there with his Geri curl dripping through his Chicago White Sox hat.
Concierge Angel: OK welcome to Heaven, we are so glad you chose us for your afterlife community. Unfortunately, we only have rooms with bunk beds available. So let me take you inside and you can meet your bunkmate…
Concierge Angel: This is Eazy-E. He is straight outta Compton and will be your roommate for all eternity. So why don’t you guys get to know each other. I’m sure you’ll have a lot to talk about. You know, what with him being a gang member who grew up in one of the worst ghetto’s in America and you being a white dude who almost told a police officer to arrest you when you forgot to pay for a donut you ate at the grocery store. If you do get stuck there’s a little booklet of ice-breaker activities in your welcome bag. We’ll see you back at the lobby for snack time!
Me: Excuse me, Eazy? I’m going to set my alarm clock. What time do you normally get up?
Eazy-E: I wake up quick at about noon.
Me: Ok. Uh…So what do you like to do for fun around here?
Easy-E: Cruising down the street in my ’64. Jocking the bitches, slapping the hos.
Me: It doesn’t seem like God would allow that behavior in Heaven. Has he ever yelled at you for that stuff?
Easy-E: The Holy Father stood up and he started to shout, so I threw a right cross and knocked his omniscient ass out!
Me: You knocked out God?!?