February 10, 2o10
Talladega, AL — NASCAR officials have suspended English driver James Bond for an incident at this weekend’s race at Talladega Motor Speedway. During the last quarter of the 188 mile race, the English driver used a variety of hidden weapons built into his race car to reak havoc on the course. While in 9th place during lap 161, Bond’s car squirted a huge oil slick onto the road. This caused Kurt Busch and Robby Gordon, both of whom were trailing Bond closely, to spin out careen into the concrete barrier.
“I just thought his oil filter popped off,” said Kurt Busch, who barely escaped a very serious injury. “But that crumpet-eatin’ sonofabitch did it on purpose!”
The hazard flags were were raised while the track was cleared and the race soon started again with Bond now in sixth place behind Matt Kennseth, Tony Stewart, Jeff Gordon, Jimmie Johnson, Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
In the 178th lap the Bond car pulled up next to Earnhardt and Kennseth’s and shot their tires out with some type of door-mounted machine gun. Again, NASCAR officials seemed to be oblivious to the fact that the former spy had used massive firearms to dispatch his competitors and allowed the race to continue.
The last straw was the final lap, as James Bond closed in on Tony Stewart , the crowd watched in shock as Bond fired 4 land-to-land missiles at the fan favorite. Stewart’s evasive maneuvering saved his life, but not his car’s position as he fell behind in the last 40 meters.
“It got a little bit hot in there,” commented Stewart. “I’m just glad my fantastic sponsor Old Spice Deodorant hooked me up with some of their best anti-perspirant underarm gel. Look! No white marks! Of course, after dodging those missiles I might need to change my sponsor to Fruit of the Loom,” he said pointing to his underpants. “These things took some serious abuse.”
Bond then jumped off of the track and went for a spin in Choccolocco Lake because his car had somehow turned into a boat.
When reached for comment his crew chief, a man named Q, was upset about the whole ordeal. “I asked him to return that car in pristine order. He frequently disappoints me.”
Officials were in a precarious position with James Bond’s suspension. On one hand, he could have injured or killed several people in a meaningless race. On the other, the ratings for Talladega, which featured a record 43 fiery crashes, were easily the highest in the sport’s sixty-two year history.
“I liked it ’cause der was a lot of big explosions and stuff,” explained Cletus Spunkmeyer, a race fan.
Many driver’s allege that NASCAR officials knew about the illegal modifications to Bond’s car but did nothing about it. Mark Martin, the 51 year old veteran said he saw Bond use “some type of ejector-seat in warm-ups.”
VP of Competition Robin Pemberton has come under fire for what many people are calling a soft punishment for 007. “Listen, people want to watch James Bond race. Plus, I think he had sex with a girl during his victory lap How cool is that?
The suspension doesn’t bode well for new entrants for the Daytona 500 this Spring: Inspector Gadget, Optimus Prime, Batman and that car from Roger Rabbit.