Mark McGwire Admits to Cheating…A Lot!

January 11, 2009

(AP) St. Louis –  In a statement released today to the Associated Press former St. Louis Cardinal, Mark McGwire admitted that he used steroids during much of his playing career.  The first basemen said that it was “foolish and it was a mistake.”

The statement outlined even more ways that the embattled Home Run King, whose duel against Sammy Sosa in the 1998 MLB season essentially saved the sport.

“I snuck into Fenway Park at night and removed several feet from the top of the Green Monster.  I hypnotized Randy Johnson and convinced him to shake off any pitch other than a change up.  I inserted a iron ball-bearing into Curt Schilling’s baseballs, then I had a a magnet attached to the top of a large building across the street.  When Roger Clemen’s and I would inject each other in the locker room before our teams played, I would only load up his syringe with NyQuil.”

The depths of McGwire’s unscrupulous tactics were not just limited to these either.  He also admitted to bombarding himself with Gamma radiation in the hopes that he would become as (or more) powerful as the fictional comic book character, the Hulk.  “I truly apologize,” McGwire said in a letter written to Marvel Comic Book’s Stan Lee.

A spokesperson for the collective American Public released this statement in response to McGuire’s admission: “Mark McGuire was taking steroids?  No sh*t Sherlock.”

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