April 2, 2009
A lot of people say that the world would be better of with no lawyers. I don’t necessarily agree with that notion. Are we a completely over-legalized nation? Sure. But laws are vital to our interaction with one another. It cuts through the grayness of the English language and a good contract will enforce exactly what it intended to enforce.
That’s why I’ve always had a document prepared should I ever stumble upon a Magic Genie. If it were to grant me 3 wishes I would want the wishes to be as clear as possible. I don’t want any King Midas situations here.
Genie: What is your wish King Midas?
Midas: I wish for everything I touch to turn to gold.
Genie: OK. Done.
Midas: Now I’d like a nice turkey sandwich.
Genie: Done. (snicker)
Midas reaches to eat the sandwich. The sandwich turns to gold, rendering it inedible.
Midas: Hey, wait a minute!!!
This same fate will not befall me. I’ve lawyered up. Here is the Magic Genie Agreement:
MAGIC GENIE AGREEMENT (the “Agreement”), made and entered into as of this 2nd day of April, 2009, by and between Jeff Konkle of
KONKDADDY.COM (hereinafter “Konkdaddy”) and The Magic Genie of the Ottoman Empire (hereinafter “The Genie”).
1.01 Business Purpose. The business of the Joint Venture shall be as follows:
1) To grant three (3) wishes of any sort to Konkdaddy for releasing The Genie from his lamp.
To ensure no misinterpretation of the aforementioned wishes on the part of The Genie
1.02 Term of the Agreement. This Joint Venture shall commence on the date first above written and shall continue in existence until terminated, liquidated, or dissolved by law or if all wishes are met in accordance with this agreement.
The following comprise the general definitions of terms utilized in this Agreement:
2.01 “Wish.” An expressed desire or hope concerning the future or fortune. An expression of some desire or inclination.
2.02 “True” Used in the phrase ìÖwish come true.î Shall mean complete satisfaction on the part of Konkdaddy in the outcomes of his expressed wishes.
2.03 “Option” The right of the user (Konkdaddy) to utilize powers or effects granted to him by the Genie in a controllable manner.
2.04 – “Genie Generated Dollars” – U.S. Dollars created by the Genie and distributed to Konkdaddy.
COMPLETION OF SERVICES
The Genie will be relinquished from duties and obligations after granting to the complete satisfaction of Konkdaddy three (3) wishes realized in full.
LIST OF WISHES
4.01 Option of Invisibility – Konkdaddy requests the ability to become invisible at any given time.
4.01.01 Invisibility shall be construed as being unable to be seen by others (humans and animals).
4.01.02 Invisibility of user’s body will not be permanent and will remain at the control of the user. Also, Invisibility does not mean that the rest of the World’s population (humans and animals) will go blind completely. While this is technically invisible, it is neither desirable nor intended by the user.
4.02 Monetary Gain – Konkdaddy requests the sum of One Billion (1,000,000,000) U.S. dollars, preferably in large to medium denominations.
4.02.01 This money must not be stolen from any outside party (friends, family members, colleagues) and must not come into Konkdaddy’s possession through some type of tragic means (ex. Konkdaddy is hit by a PAT Bus and crippled for life but the PA Transportation settles a lawsuit for $1,000,000,000).
4.02.02 This money must also have no deleterious effect on the outside economy. Money should not count toward U.S. inflation numbers. If inflation does persist, the Genie will guarantee a conversion rate of each dollar generated by the Genie into no lower that .45 oz of Gold Bullion with no ceiling attached should the value of the dollar rise in price relative to gold. In the likely event that China’s yuan becomes the standard of global commodities trade, the Genie Generated dollars may be converted into yuans at a 10% premium.
4.03 Bass Guitar – The Genie will alter Konkdaddy to make him the best Bass Player the world has ever known.
4.03.1 Bass is meant to construe different forms of the stringed instrument including but not limited to (Electric, Acoustic, Upright, Washtub, Bass Drum, & Bass Fishing).
4.03.2 By becoming the best bass player in the world Konkdaddy will elevate past current bass masters in skill. Les Claypool, Victor Wooten, Stu Hamm and Flea should be used as benchmarks. The aforementioned bass players’ skill should NOT deteriorate below the current level of Konkdaddy’s instrumental prowess.
4.03.03 Konkdaddy’s instrumental prowess shall be construed as “terrible” for purposes of this contract.
WISH FOR MORE WISHES
5.01 – Konkdaddy is not authorized to wish for more wishes.
6.01 Events of the Joint Ventures. The Joint Venture shall be dissolved upon the happening of any of the following events:
(a) If Konkdaddy enters into a supernatural agreement of conflicting interest (e.g. Wishing Upon a Star, Wishing Well, using a Magic Monkey Paw, etc.)
(b) If wishes are deemed to have ruined the life of Konkdaddy in any way, all wishes will be retroactively absolved and the Genie will return Konkdaddy’s life to the linear path it deviated from.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties hereto have executed this Agreement as of the day and year first above written. Signed, sealed and delivered in the presence of:
Jeff Konkle Title
Magic Genie Title