September 27, 2009
Above is the default picture for the template for blog posts in iWeb. I’ve been trying to figure out a back-story for these people. What makes them tick? The following is the best I can come up with.
Man: I love you.
Woman: How much?
Man: I would climb up to heaven and pull down a star; I would split a mountain in half with my bare hand; I would chop down a redwood, and then whittle it into a canoe that I would then use to ride over Niagara Falls, just to be with you.
Woman: Would you die for me?
Woman: Would you give your life so that I could live?
Man: I…uh…I don’t know. It depends on the situation.
Woman: How so?
Man: Well, what type of event are you envisioning that I would have to choose between your life and mine?
Woman: I don’t know. Maybe I start hanging out with the wrong crowd and they end up kidnapping me and the only way they’d let me go is by killing you.
Man: Well in that case my answer would be “No.”
Man: No way. If you “start hanging out with the wrong crowd?” What the hell does that mean? Who are you hanging out with? Kidnappers? On what occasion would you ever hang out with kidnappers? And why do these kidnappers hate me so much?
Man: So you just went to the grocery store one day, were walking through the cereal aisle and you struck up a conversation with a member of a Mexican drug cartel who happens to really dislike me?
Woman: It’s just theoretical.
Man: Well what theory are you ascribing to that regards kidnappers as potential friends?
Woman: No I mean…
Man: And quite frankly, if you started frequently hanging out with the type of people that kidnap others, I think I would break up with you before it ever got to the point that they decided to turn on you and hold you hostage.
Woman: You would break up with me for hanging out with kidnappers? That’s pretty shallow.
Man: How is that shallow? I fell in love with you because I thought you were the type of girl who was opposed to kidnapping, or at the very least neutral to kidnapping. No. A pro-kidnapping girlfriend would not fly with me.
Woman: I’m not pro-kidnapping. I would just be hanging out with people that would kidnap a little bit from time to time.
Man: A casual kidnapper is a kidnapper nonetheless. Plus, everybody chooses their friends based on qualities that they admire or enjoy. Therefore, deep down in your subconscious, you must want to kidnap someone.
Woman: That’s ridiculous!
Man: I don’t think it is. Who’s to say that you already haven’t kidnapped people before?
Woman: Oh come on! Are you serious?
The man walks toward the basement door, grabs the handle and tries to jiggle the door open.
Man: How come I’ve never been in your basement?
Woman: Uh…don’t go in there.
The man twists the knob hard and the door swings open.
Man: Oh my God! I knew it!
Woman: This is so embarrassing. I didn’t want you to find out this way.
An adolescent Argentinean boy bursts out of the basement with duct tape on his mouth and his hands shackled. He runs through the house and out the front door.
Man: Unbelievable. You’ve been lying to me this whole time!
Woman: I know, I know. It’s just that…we’ve been having such a good time and we got along so great. I was afraid that if I told you I kidnapped for a living, you wouldn’t want to see me again.
Man: I don’t know what to say. Why didn’t you tell me before?
Woman: I tired a few time to bring up the subject, but you never seemed to respond. Remember the time I gave you a human finger for a birthday present. That was just leftover ransom collateral from some French diplomat’s son I had locked up a while back. Or when we went to that really boring movie and when you asked me what I thought I said, “It felt like I had had a chloroform rag shoved over my mouth for 2 hours.” Didn’t you think that was a weird way to describe it?
Man: I guess I never connected the dots. But while we’re revealing things, I have something to tell you as well…
Man: I’m a major player in the slave trade in Southwest Asia.
Man: I know, I know. I should have told you from the start. I got into it during college. I studied abroad at Tribhuvan Univeristy in Nepal for a few months. I won a 16 year old Pakistani girl in a friendly game of poker and next thing you know – BAM!- I’m pulling in 3,000 rupi’s a month just moonlighting in the slave trade. Whew! That feels good to get off my chest.
Woman: Then why are you so against kidnapping? Isn’t slave trading the same thing?
Man: Call me old fashioned, but I just believe that people who are taken against their will and forced into captivity should be used as long term investments. You can’t just grab a person and sell them back two weeks later to turn a quick profit. It’s like day-trading on Wall Street. That’s just stupid, not to mention disrespectful. But I’m not really mad at you. I don’t want to argue anymore.
Woman: Did we just resolve our first fight?
Man: I think we did! Now let’s go get that Argentinean boy before he calls the cops. I know the owner of a rock quarry in Malaysia that would pay top dollar for him.
Woman: That’s why we’re so great together.