Seedless Watermelon Farmers Attacked by Radical Pro-Life Group

June 23, 2009

(AP) Greenwood, SC – The small town of Greenwood, SC was rocked today by a protest that turned violent during the afternoon shift change at Platzberg Farms.  The violence was essentially one-sided, as members of International Defeaters of Obstetrician Terrorism surrounded a local farming facility and attacked the workers going to and coming off of their shifts.  The Platzberg workers were pelted with glass bottles and rocks.

Platzberg Farms is a huge producer of seedless watermelons, cantaloupes, and grapes.  The farming conglomerate has come under scrutiny lately because of their reluctance to acquiesce to the pressures of the group, whose track record for radical anti-abortion activism, both political and grassroots, has relegated them to a small, yet loyal, group of followers.

Last May, the radical group pressured local congressmen to push forth a bill that would have eliminated the “evil practiced of forced fruit-abortion.”  The powerful farmers lobby was able to easily persuade the state legislature to vote that bill down, calling it “morally confused and intrusive to agricultural commerce.”

“These people just have to have better things to do with their time,” Buck Crowley, spokesman for the National Federation of Fruit Producers, said via teleconference.  “Just because you have a marker, some poster board and a stick, doesn’t mean you need to protest every little thing.  Find something productive to do.  Read a book.  See a movie.  The workers at Platzberg have tough decisions to make; they don’t need to be judged by those nutcases.”

Marsha Kolinski is the President and founder of the Defeaters.  “There are very few people working at the Platzberg establishment who are ‘defenseless’ as you would be led to believe.  They all have their hands dirty in that sinful line of work.”  The group’s main belief is that the watermelon should have a choice whether or not it will produce seeds; the watermelons should not be made barren by force.  They also say that the Federal Government’s long history of farm subsidies have contributed to the deaths of countless unborn seeds.  “It’s right there in the Bible, Genesis 1:28 ‘Be fruitful and multiply.’  I just don’t possibly see a way of arguing against that.”

“OK.  I guess if you think about it that way, we are technically killing unborn watermelons, ” said a farm hand who wished to remain anonymous.  “The processes we use at this plant does curtail the life of a young watermelon.  But so what?  Them poor seeds are brought into this cruel world where no one wants them; people just chew them up and spit them out.  So is it better to deal with a huge inconvenience or just get rid of ‘em before they get here?”

Police are still searching for suspects.

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