Nov 24, 2009
(AP) Washington D.C. – As the President tries to fend off attacks from opponents of health care, pro-war Republicans, and the fear-mongers over at Fox news, he has decided to take on yet another problem: Vampires.
President Obama has indicated that he will be pushing the majority leaders in Congress to pass legislation for an amendment that will set an age ceiling on Social Security benefits for the Undead. As the law sits today, a United States citizen receives social security checks until the day that they die. This provision works when speaking about humans, who on average die at the age of 76, but does not seem to address the major loophole that vampires have been exploiting for years. Since the nightwalkers are immortal and can only die through a handful of ways, they are eligible to receive social security benefits indefinitely. Since several of the oldest vampires in the world are 600-700 years old this means major pay-outs.
U.S. Social Security is a social insurance program funded through dedicated payroll taxes. Basically an employed citizen has a small portion taken out of their paycheck from the minute they enter the workforce. The earliest age at which (reduced) benefits are payable is 62, which means that gainfully employed vampires only contribute to the fund during a short percentage of their typically long life, yet can cash checks for possibly hundreds of years.
Proponents of the amendment cite the case of Phineas Godwin, a Tennessee vampire who turned 60 years old in 1935, the same year the original Social Security Act was passed as part of the Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal. Godwin’s social security number is 000-00-0009, making him one of the first recipients of Social Security insurance. He has since collected on government payouts for over 70 years, amassing over $16,700,000. By capping the benefits that vampires receive, the Congressional Budget Office expects a net savings of two billion every year.
“It was never designed to work that way,” says Jason Altmire (D-PA). “The Social Security Act was supposed to be a safety net for humans who were too old to work. From what I understand, vampires actually get stronger with age, which should make them more fit to work and contribute to the tax base for many years.”
Experts say that this will prove to be a shrewd political move for Obama. After being such a polarizing figure for the first few months of his presidency, the right side of the aisle sees this as a very meaningful attempt to extend an olive branch.
“We Republican see this as a major victory. It is at the same time a slash at big government, an attempt at fiscal balance, and an indictment on all Godless creatures,” says Michael Steele chairman of the Republican party. “It’s very promising that the President has chosen to pursue this effort.”
However, the National Vampire Coalition and the ACLU have already brought suit against the government claiming that the new amendment would be unconstitutional. The tenth amendment holds that any power not provided by the Constitution itself to the Federal government must be deferred to the States. Making this a State issue seems to be grasping at straws though, since the overwhelming majority of voters want a balanced budget.
Another provision in question is the vampire spouse de-certification clause. Under normal circumstances, if a human worker covered by Social Security dies, a surviving spouse can receive survivors’ benefits. In the new amendment there is no coverage for mistresses, lovers, or those who are glamored by vampires receiving SSI benefits.
“Just because we don’t have beating hearts doesn’t mean that our rights can be thrown out the window,” says Irwin Blacktooth, a lawyer for the NVC. “We are productive members of society and we deserve the same treatment as our human food sources…er…uh I mean, counterparts.”