September 13, 2009
(AP) Gotham City – Several citizens of Gotham City have recently voiced complaints at Town Hall meetings about the city’s initiative to “go green.” Ever since the city government has taken steps to improve its image as an environmentally friendly city, crime rates have steadily increased. Residents point to a number of illogical cut backs that make it difficult for the city’s crime fighters to perform their jobs, leading to unsafe living conditions. The Gotham City police force has echoed the resentment.
“Well for starters, they made us change the Bat Signal bulb from a 6.5 million candela power bulb to a 60-Watt CFL bulb,” commented Police Commissioner James Gordon. “I’d like to know how the Hell we’re supposed to contact Batman with that dim little thing. It’s not like he carries a cell phone or anything.”
The kilo-watt hungry Bat Signal has proved to be a useful tool in the fight against the city’s raging crime problem and it’s only one complaint on a list of many.
“The Bat Signal thing was ridiculous, but that’s not the worst of it. My Batmobile was impounded by the city because it didn’t meet the new emissions standards!” Batman said via a new cell phone. “I’m sorry, but a teal Prius doesn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of hardened criminals.”
Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane recently completed a multi-million dollar renovation that made the century old building LEED certified. One of the more hair brained improvements was making the electric locks on the cell doors dependent on power generated from the freshly installed solar panels on the building’s rooftop. Gotham City has the third lowest volume of sunshine per acre in the country, slightly behind Doom Mountain, NY and Seattle, WA. Needless to say, inconsistency in the building’s power grid has led to higher rates of escape. Consequently, evil plots; dastardly schemes; and plans for world domination have seen a large bump in recent weeks with the accidental release of some of Gotham’s most dangerous criminals.
“I, for one, love the green movement,” cackled the Joker as he loaded sacks of money onto a Mac truck shaped like a clown shoe. “It means more green for me!” The Joker, Killer Croc, the Penguin, Poison Ivy and Zsasz, all former inmates of Arkham, have all been seen running amok in the city.
Several superhero’s are pointing the finger at Alan Scott, a professional engineer and former superhero Green Lantern, for starting this ill-conceived city planning project. His firm specialized in railroads mostly until recently when they inked a billion dollar consulting contract with the city of Gotham.
“There’s something fishy going on there no doubt,” commented Dick Grayson, famous acrobat and resident star of Gotham’s Cirque Du Solei show at Wayne Tower. “It’s just too perfect.”
Scott’s architectural firm would not comment on the situation.
One thing is for sure, green is not good for Gotham.