August 12, 2009
Glastonbury, UK – Police and firefighters rushed to the Wonka Chocolate factory late last night as they responded to hysterical emergency call from Glastonbury resident Charlie Bucket and his Grandpa Joe. Bucket claimed that while on a tour of the factory, four children had been murdered by the proprietor, William Wonka.
The Glastonbury police sent two patrol officers to the factory in order to further investigate the claim. Wonka’s reputation is eccentric and reclusive but the candy baron has never been known for violence. “Wonka’s factory is the main source of tax revenue for the county so we wanted to be tactful in case this Charlie kid was just calling in a prank,” Chief of Police, Irwin Bennet explained.
The two officers opened the factory door only to be confronted with the shaken and weeping parents of the missing children. The parents all corroborated Charlie Bucket’s claim that Wonka had murdered their children.
More police units arrived on the scene as well as detectives and forensic scientists. For the next three hours they discovered the children’s bodies in succession, all killed in grisly fashion. Wonka was immediately arrested.
Wonka’s candy brand had skyrocketed in price in the past few months, mostly due to the inefficient renovations recently installed at the factory. A chocolate river instead of copper vats; a huge ventilation chamber for Research and Development on fizzy drinks; and a machine that, for some reason, shrinks large candy into smaller sizes, all contributed to a huge overhead cost that diminished returns on investment. These seemingly irrational operational mechanisms sunk Wonka’s business into Chapter 11 bankruptcy. His recent “Golden Ticket” promotion was a last ditch effort to make a profit. However, some of his closest friends knew that he was no longer in his right mind.
“I walked into his office today and everything was cut in half,” longtime Wonka associate Slugworth commented. “The desk, the clock, his hat. He kept saying, ‘I am the music maker. I am the dreamer of dreams.’ I knew he needed professional help.”
Augustus Gloop (12) was found lodged in the pipes of Wonka’s Chocolate Waterfall. His corpse was badly burned from the piping hot liquid chocolate that flowed over his body. Police discovered Violet Beuaregard’s (14) crushed and mangled body in a crude juicing machine. The body of Veruca Salt (12) lay in a giant trash heap of rotten chocolate eggs. Detectives concluded that the nearly 80-foot drop from the garbage chute was the cause of death. Mike Teavee (11) is still missing after activating Wonka’s aforementioned shrinking machine. He is also presumed dead.
“This is the stuff of nightmares,” said Cadet Russell Davis. It was only his third night as a Glastonbury officer.
Yet another twist waited for detectives. They discovered a hovel of orange pygmies that Wonka presumably lured into slave labor. The Oompa-Loompa’s, as they are called, were most likely the ones physically carrying out Wonka’s horrific orders.
“What do you say when you’re asked to kill? Is it wrong or is it a thrill?” one unidentified Oompa-Loompa sang. “I know I have some blood on my hands. These police went and spoiled our plans. We killed those kids; yes it’s true! That’s what Oompa-Loompa’s doopity do!” All pygmies were arrested and are being held for questioning.
“Why did you do this?” Mr. Beuaregard screamed at Wonka as he was escorted into the police cruiser.
“Because they broke the rules!”
Even though Wonka’s business is in foreclosure, he is a wealthy man, capable of stellar legal counsel. Wonka’s lawyer released a statement to the news media:
“These are a set of unfortunate accidents that were in no way premeditated by my client. Anyone who claims otherwise is living in a world of pure imagination.”
Grandpa Joe had the final thought. “His crimes are atrocious. I hope he takes that glass elevator straight to Hell.”
Arraignment is set for Tuesday.