Kids You Probably Went to Grade-School With…

I realize that many generalizations have been made as to the life experiences of other people by yours truly.  I will continue with the tradition of assuming that everyone had the exact upbringing I had as a child. The following is a profile of stereotypical schoolmates that I had growing up:

1. Rat (tailed) bastard.

He was the classic reason that Ritalin not only existed but also was 100% necessary. He was just the biggest bastard and everyone let him know. He would lie, cheat and steal. Then he would lie about cheating and stealing.

He is also the person who invariably, every time he went to drink from the water fountain, just couldn’t quite figure out the normal way of opening your mouth and allowing the water to enter in. Instead, he would put his filthy lips on the nozzle and suck it out. These lips, mind you, were the ones that just couldn’t seem to handle the peanut butter and Jelly sandwich at lunch because after he would eat, he looked like a Navajo warlord. For some reason, he always smelled like a wet dog. His greasy mustache was only rivaled by that of the original Dirty Sanchez. He wore the same pair of green sweatpants day in and day out earning himself a nickname like “Jolly Green Giant” or “the Green Lantern.” His nose ran like Jackie Joyner-Kersee. No matter though, there weren’t enough Kleenex in the world to wipe up his messes.

2. Effeminate (but true to himself)

This was the kid that during our time in high school we were all too immature to realize that he had it down. He was just himself and didn’t give two craps about what anyone else thought. His mother put him in the chorus program and made him play flute in the jazz ensemble band. He was smart but just a bit too much for his own good. No one really picked on him because they knew that you couldn’t get a rise out of him, rendering him bully proof. He had more “girlfriends” than male friends. Despite a looming suspicion of him being a homosexual, every male coveted his harem.

3. Large Geek

The strongest, most ogre-like computer nerd you have ever seen. He wasn’t really good at sports and was kind of a dork, but no one messed with him. Everyone was too afraid that he’d pull a Lenny from Of Mice and Men, and smother you to death without even knowing it. Despite all of his faults, he was one of the most sexually active people in the student body. This was a fact that nobody could ever figure out. They were never the most attractive women, but hey…quantity over quality, right?

4. Giant Skank

Her profile is nearly XXX rated and thus hard to write about on such a reputable website. In 6th grade “Giant Skank” grew a huge pair of breasts. All of the guys decided to give her attention and she decided to return it by sticking certain objects where theoretically they should not be stuck. Her parents had no clue that she was skipping her “band practice” to go fool around with a school janitor in the boiler room. Suffice it to say this girl was so indiscriminate with her banging preferences she was soon labeled as dirty. “Giant Skank” is currently seeking a career in acting where, within two months of living in Hollywood, she will be spit out of the bottom of the porn industry.

5. Massive Screw Up 

This kid was the product of a divorce gone really, really bad. Massive Screw Up was the first one to drink, smoke and experiment with drugs. He not only mouthed off to teachers, but on several occasions, he told police officers where they could stick it. It was guaranteed that at least once a day his name would be called over the PA system for a disturbingly regular visit to the principal’s office. After you were in college, you found out that he was busted for trafficking illegal AK-47’s across interstate borders.

6. Goody Two Shoes

This girl was so nice…but no one liked her. Why you ask? She was an overachiever! 4.0 GPA, member in all 34 student organizations in the school, drill team captain…the list goes on! She was student body president but it was hard to remember why. I didn’t vote for her. Sad part is…she is probably enormously successful, much more so than I am at least.

7. Converted Goth

You were friends with this one when you were in third grade, but as time moved on so did your separate paths. You ditched him for cooler friends and as a result, he retracted from all society. He became the target of ridiculous rumors and hearsay. Rumors include:

“That kid said he was going to blow up the school.”

“I thought I heard about him overdosing on heroin.”

“Didn’t he eat his parents or something?”

8. Early Growth Spurt

My favorite. This kid hit his growth spurt in 5th grade. By growing so quickly, he established himself as the Alpha-male and boy did it go to his head. He became mean spirited, rude, and downright ugly. He has good at sports the way any other lumbering oaf is good at sports (Yao Ming)…he was very good at being very tall. Once high school rolled around though, everyone else started to catch up with him in height.

Now instead of the Alpha-male he was just the Alpha-dick. Easily diagnosed as a sociopath, because he would not even say a word to anyone he hasn’t known for 13 years, Early Growth Spurt leads a bland life now. Former friends that he went to high school with, to this very day, drive past his parent’s house (with whom he still resides) and turf the shit out of his lawn in a juvenile, but cathartic move. His friends included football players (because no one else had any use for him besides his massive frame) and that one little wuss who needed his ass kicked so badly but nobody ever did anything because he was friends with “Early Growth Spurt.”

9. The Late Bloomer

This girl was descent (at best) in high school, so no guys really paid her any attention. Then after her first semester at college, she drops 20 pounds, increases a full cup size and dyes her hair. Holy Crap! She’s hot! Talk about a diamond in the rough. Unfortunately, due to your inattention to her in high school she won’t give you the time of day now (rightly so). She is dating a 29-year old entrepreneur currently and you are kicking yourself in the ass.

10. The Not-Even-A-Blip on the Ladies’ Radar Semi-Geek (A.K.A. Jeff Konkle)

That’s about it. I was really into X-Men and Pro-Wrestling, which as you can imagine, really struck a chord with the ladies.  I was lousy at sports and internalized my inferiority.  Luckily, I was funny.  Thank God, I was funny.

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