Wal-Mart Bottles Happiness

Bentonville (AK) – “Money doesn’t buy you happiness.” This popular saying will be rendered useless in 2007 by the Wal-Mart Corporation. The Arkansas-based Mega retailer will be unveiling a new product called “Happy?” In a scientific and theoretical break-through, product developers have been able to artificially produce the human emotion of happiness and render it into a drinkable liquid. “Happy?” is in its final stages of development and will be unveiled at the yearly “How-Dey-Do-Dat?” convention for retail developers in Las Vegas. “Happy?” is set to be priced around $5.00 per case of 24 cans and should hit shelves in late May.

Initial studies report that the drink tastes a great deal like the failed PepsiCo creation, Crystal Pepsi. However, unlike it’s disastrous predecessor, “Happy?” will have 7 times the amount of caffeine, 40% alcohol by volume and nearly 3 grams of pure -“never been stepped on” -cocaine powder mixed in each can.

S. Robert Walton, Chairman of Wal-Mart, was gracious enough to allow an interview inside his home in Northwest Arkansas. “’Happy?’ was a relatively easy product to create,” explained Walton as he grabbed a bite to eat. “People always say that happiness is so hard to come by. I’ve never experienced that.” Walton then finished his bowl of salad, comprised mostly of shredded of $100 bills, crumbled Faberge eggs, and slivers of bacon made from the sweetest back-fat of the pig that played Babe in movies like Babe and Babe II: Pig in the City.

The advent of this new product is the second attempt by mankind to create a feeling akin to a human emotion. The first attempt was made in 1995 by the band The Smashing Pumpkins. Their album Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness was failed attempt at synthetically producing a feeling of “joy.”

“We initially wrote the album to make people feel joyous, delightful, light-hearted etc. I guess the album’s title didn’t really convey our vision. We thought the irony was pretty explicit. But oh well, live and learn…” D’Arcy Wretzky, the band’s bassist explained. “It’s nice to see Wal-Mart picking up where we left off though.”

Some groups are not happy about the invention of “Happy?” namely labor unions, human rights groups and a majority of religious leaders. “If people feel happy and spiritually fulfilled by this drink, then churches all over the world will go out-of-business. We just can’t compete with those prices,” complained Rev. Paul Alborn, leader of the community action group W.H.O.O.P.S. (Wal-Mart Hopes to Operate Outside of Priesthood Sanctions).

H. Lee Scott, Chief Executive Officer at Wal-Mart said, “People can complain all they want. We’re the second largest company in the world…what’re you going to do?…stop us?” Scott’s words were barely audible over the sound of the running garbage disposal which Scott was feeding $20 bills. When asked why he was doing this he replied “I just like the sound.”

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